Are We Spiritual Yet?

This year I plan to do some longer posts that go into a subject in more detail and depth. This is the first one of this style. If you would let me know whether you like this style of post or not (or what you like and dislike about it) I’d be very grateful, thanks, Evan.

Of the theories about human experience that I know of gestalt psychotherapy is easily the most thorough and grounded in experience. It is theoretically tight as well as practically useful. (By gestalt psychotherapy I mean roughly what is in the book Gestalt Therapy by Perls, Hefferline and Goodman.)

 

Gestalt psychotherapy fits easily with self development. It has the emphasis on the response-ability of individuals of the ‘third-force therapies’ (of which it is one) and is not focused on sickness but on how well people respond to their situation.

Gestalt psychotherapy also brings a gift to the usual approaches to self development: it expands self development because it is not focused on isolated individuals but on the person in their situation – it focuses on relationship.

 

RELATIONSHIP
Gestalt is about relationships. And this is tricky. We are used to thinking of a relationship as two individuals. But the relationship is neither one individual nor the other, nor both. The relationship is what happens between the two.

This is hard to wrap your head around at first. To try it out:
watch a couple of people conversing. Take note of how they respond to each other – by gesture, vocal tone (if you can hear), and bodily position. Notice ‘the dance’ rather than ‘the dancers’.

If you are like me your attention will drift from the dance to one of the dancers and back again. Gradually you will get a sense of the relationship – that it is something that isn’t either of the individuals. If you practise you will gradually develop a sense of the different kinds of dances that people do –

• anger,
• courtship,
• indifference,
• and so on

– and what each individual brings to the dance they are in.

When you get a sense of this you will find that your experience takes on a dynamic quality.

The quality of your life is the quality of your relating to the people and things around you.

 

Relating has a receptive and an active mode.

In the receptive mode we check out what it is that we are interested in. We let it speak to us, observe its parts, get a sense of the whole and the qualities it embodies.

We do not just make up reality. We also receive it; for instance:

• This sunset speaks serenity – the sound of the birds, slight breeze, colours of the sky, the shape and colour of the clouds . . . All add up to an experience of serenity.
• This is a work room. It is not disorderly, neither is everything put away, it is ordered so that the equipment can be easily reached and used.
• This post has a shape, is written in my voice, has a particular subject and vocabulary. The speech is largely direct.

 

In the active mode we check out what we can do to, and with, what we are interested in. We actively collaborate in making our experience.

To get a sense of this try altering how you do some small thing:

• alter a routine you have in the morning.
• alter the way you greet someone – just changing a word will do.
• try moving things on your desk or in a room.

We don’t just register reality ‘out there’ we actively engage with it.

• After we have trained to play an instrument we will hear music differently. Our appreciation will have changed and deepened. We will perceive more in the music even – if it is the very same CD we listenied to before we learned to play.
• As we get to know someone we begin to notice more about them – how they move and their gestures. We can even have the experience that they look different to us (we notice some features that we didn’t at first).

 

RESPONSE-ABILITY
Gestalt, like the other human potential movement therapies, emphasises our ability to choose and do (“agency”).

A relationship is about responses. How we initiate, respond, adapt, and modify our behaviour depending on what we are relating to.

 

WE BRING ALL OF WHO WE ARE TO OUR SITUATION (wholism)
A person is a unit. This unity has ‘layers’ or ‘parts’. We can pay attention to one of these layers or parts but they are all always present.

So:

• While pre-occupied with an intellectual problem we may discover that we are hungry.
• While eating a meal we may recall a painful argument with a friend.
• An argument with a friend may lead us to reflect on our purpose.

Other layers or parts of us are present and can make themselves known whilever we are paying attention to one of the other ‘parts’ or ‘layers’ of ourselves.

Acting with all of who we are can be profoundly satisfying.
If we find something to do that is physically pleasurable, emotionally and mentally satisfying, is esteemed by our peer group and fits our sense of purpose then we are fortunate indeed. This activity will be profoundly nourishing to us.

When this isn’t the case we are more or less frustrated or dissatisfied. This can be cleaning up the past and / or dealing with conflicts in the present. (In reality these usually go together.)

 

We Develop Our Own Style
Living beings have their own way of ordering their relationship with their environment. Of finding what works for them, avoiding what is toxic, dealing with threats and so on. When a being is given enough resources, support and instruction they develop their own way of acting – they develop their own particular style.

This is the natural way of learning. And the result is an individual achievement. We can tell from some distance who someone is by the way they walk. This is because they were given encouragement, support and instruction to develop in their way and in their own time.

 

THE GREATEST GIFT OF GESTALT PSYCHOTHERAPY TO SELF DEVELOPMENT

The greatest gift of gestalt psychotherapy to self development is the understanding of how we change in ourselves. The usual understanding of change in self development is that it is about intellect and will. We set goals that are realistic and set about accomplishing them – and exercise our will to overcome reluctance (all that stuff on dealing with procrastination).

This way of changing is incompatible with wholism – and when examined closely I believe is not the way that (lasting) change occurs. The way of change usually described in self development means that we are not acting with all of us but are put in the situation of fighting with ourselves.

 

With this way of changing you lose even if you win. That is, one part of you is diminished or ignored and another part is strengthened. Even if successful you are not living with all of who you are. There can even be an attitude that the diminished self and misery that result from this way of change is somehow good – taking a kind of pride in self-inflicted battle wounds. (This can be a positive but this battle was in a futile cause, had no prospect of being won, and was unnecessary to boot.)

The insight on which this theory of change relies is that being ‘stuck’ is different to being ignorant or not being able to do something.

• If we are ignorant, and the problem is important to us, we will set about learning what to do with all of who we are – from others (in person or through books or whatever) or by personal attempts and reflection on them.
• If we are unable to achieve what we wish then we may reflect and mourn (raging and crying and stomping around or whatever). This too can be done with all of who we are.

Being ‘stuck’ is being in two (or more) “minds” about something. To choose one of these ‘minds’ and attempt to suppress the other doesn’t help. We are attracted to two alternatives equally or have different attitudes to an action or various thoughts about a plan. If we didn’t care about one the ‘minds’ we wouldn’t be stuck.

When we are ‘stuck’ it is because we are not whole. We are split. To choose one part means not choosing another part of ourselves. To suppress the split doesn’t solve it – and involves us in a war with ourselves.  Perpetuating a split won’t resolve it.

Once the split is resolved the energy that was used in fighting ourselves is available for use in other parts of our lives – solving problems, loving relationships or whatever it may be. We will then be acting with all of who we are and experiencing the satisfaction that this brings.

 

How?
We resolve the split by paying attention to both (or more) sides of the ‘conflict’. First by getting clear what these sides are and then by getting them ‘talking’ to each other, until resolution is reached.

The traditional way of doing this in gestalt psychotherapy is by using two chairs (or more usually cushions). The person when feeling one way sits on one cushion and when feeling the other shifts to the other cushion. Shifting from one cushion to the other is to help get clear on the different aspects of ‘the stuck’.
Then the person while on one cushion addresses the ‘other’ person on the other cushion. (They imagine that they are sitting there.) Then they switch cushions and address the first cushion (imagining someone sitting there).
This sounds simple and childish. The results are powerful and profound.

 

[You needn't use cushions.

• Another common way is to write a dialogue between your dominant and non-dominant hand.
• Or you can draw the two 'minds' – as different people or animals or with some abstract figures.
• Or you might imagine them as two different stories, which you weave into a bigger story.
• Or you might imagine them as two different movements, which you then blend into a dance.

Whatever helps you clarify the two or more minds and assists them in relating to each other is good.]

 

There are several possible resolutions of being stuck.
1. One part of ‘the stuck’ is actually a demand from someone else that the person wants no part of. In this case we start to live in the way that we prefer – this may mean trying stuff out and finding out what it is that we actually prefer. If we have been following someone else’s agenda we may not know our own preferences.

2. one part of ‘the stuck’ is a point of view they have adopted from someone else and they want to honour. In which case it is a conflict within the person and what they value. Which leads to a couple of possibilities.

3. ‘the stuck’ is trying to do two incompatible things at the same time. These things can be handled by doing things in different stages or at different times.

• A good romantic relationship can include times together and times apart.
• A good life can include intense activity and profound rest
• Learning well can include failures as well as successes.

 

4. Finally, and for me the most difficult, ‘the stuck’ might include personal qualities that need integration.

This means things that are called ‘welcoming the shadow’ or ‘transforming the demon’. This process can involve challenging beliefs that we developed early and we can come to moments where we feel like changing this part of us means death (which in one sense it does – but this is the kind of dying that leads to new life). I am not exaggerating how difficult this can feel. I have felt it myself and have seen it often in others.

This means finding a new way to live. For instance:
A man (I think gender stereotypes are still with us) may feel the need to be strong in his business life.. And then feel the demand to be soft and accommodating in his personal life. This man will spend his working life suppressing one range of feelings and behaviour at work and another range of feelings and behaviour at home. There will always be some kind of strain and tension.
Through experimenting this person may arrive at a way of making decisions that takes account of other’s input and the effect of the decision on them. This man may find that it is possible to be resolutely kind or flexibly decisive. This is living into a different quality of life – one where all of this man is involved in both his business and personal life.

 

In my experience I think women are asked to bring the stereotypical ‘personal life’ virtues to ‘business life’ and to then succeed in business terms. This is a bit of an ask in my view. Especially when the ‘personal life’ virtues are punished or denigrated in the workplace. In short: women are asked to succeed in different terms but the rewards are given for the old way of doing things.

In this situation some women become more male than the males, others accept that it is the home that is the ‘natural’ place for a woman and don’t bother with business life. There is now a third response emerging: Women starting their own very successful companies. In some cases these women do things differently – allowing more accommodation of family life in the work place, permitting the voicing of feelings during meetings, having a more flexible schedule and so on. This is a different resolution of the same dilemma (one which in my view many a male envies and could learn much from). These women have lived their way to a different style of business life. The difficulty of doing so is easy to imagine.

 

This is to show a couple of options for integrating the qualities of soft and strong (this dilemma seems prevalent in Anglo-Saxon culture – which is mine).  (If you get the impression that I think the women are ahead of them with integrating this particular split you are entirely correct). There are many other qualities that can require integration.

• Fearful and decisive
• Compliant and innovative
• Not thinking of yourself and looking after yourself

There are as many competing qualities as there are stuck points.

To experience this:
1. Make a list of times when you feel something like, “This again!” or “Here I am again and no further forward”, or,
List the areas of your life where you have given up attempting to make changes, or,
List the times and place when you have a sense of futility

2. See if there are competing demands or desires or qualities that make up this situation. It may be that there are different ‘voices’ asking different things of us.

3. If so get to know both (or all) of these voices. (If they are genuinely part of you – not imposed by others.)
Listen to the quality of the voice if you here one.
Imagine what you would have needed to go through a past incident happily if you recall one.
Imagine what sort of person you would need to be in order to honour both voices or sides of the stuckness.

4. Then take one small and easy step into your new way of life.

 

In my experience the different aspect of ‘the stuck’ are all valuable. They are all part of the whole that we are. Usually resolving a stuck point feels great. Liberating the energy tied up in fighting our self is a feeling of elation, sometimes mixed with relief. This elation doesn’t last forever but you can have an ongoing feeling of lightness – because you are no longer fighting yourself.

 

A MAP OF OUR EXPERIENCE
I think the greatest gift of gestalt psychotherapy to self development is the understanding of how we change.

The second greatest gift is a map of how our experience flows. This map can then be used as a guide to spotting problems when we are feeling dissatisfaction.

There are various versions of this map in gestalt psychotherapy. I have developed my own, which is what I’ll go into here. My map has 8 phases but here I’ll present it as 4 to make it simpler. (To get the full story there is my book Living Authentically on the Products Page. It explains the eight stages and gives lots of exercises so that you can experience each of them for your self).

 

The four stages of experience.

• Our experience begins with rest (1).
• Moves onto (2) being disturbed by something.
• Which we then (3) do something about .
• And so (4) experience more or less satisfaction .

 

Some examples.

• You are asleep (1). You become aware we need to go to the toilet (2). You go there (3). You experience relief (4).
• You are asleep (1). You wake from a disturbing dream (2). You realise it was just a dream or find the message it has for you (3). You return to sleep or stay awake (4).
• You are sitting relaxed in a chair (1). You realise you forgot to ring someone (2). You ring them or find a way to remember to ring them later (3). You return to or stay sitting.
• You are having a relaxed conversation with a friend (1). You feel disturbed by something your friend says (2). You challenge your friend or let it pass (3). You feel OK or not depending on how your challenge was received or how you feel about not challenging your friend.
• You are brought up in a relatively stable community that shares similar views (1). You become aware that someone you admire greatly doesn’t share some of these views (2). You set about finding which views you want to keep or discard (3). You evolve some new way of living that may be very different or pretty much the same which may be more satisfactory in some ways but with new challenges – perhaps that you hadn’t even suspected before(4).

This is the way things normally go for us.

 

This is the path of self development. This is the way in which we grow, develop as people and respond to our situation.

When things are not going well we can use this map to zero in on where we are having problems. This makes it easier to know what we need to do to get back to normal and experience satisfaction.

 

Briefly, when some aspect of our life is unsatisfactory we can:

• clarify any confusion about what is disturbing you
• address any confusion you have in examining options for addressing this disturbance
• find what stops you taking up one or any of the options to addressing the disturbance
• become aware of how satisfactorily we have dealt with the disturbance
• think about where you would like to do better or clarify why you aren’t feeling satisfied
• refine our ability to deal with this kind of situation

 

These four simple stages give us a way to examine our experience and spot where the problems are. This map of our experience does not ask us to do away with or suppress any part of who we are. It allows us to bring all of who we are to addressing any difficulties that we are having. It is a way of living with greater satisfaction by living whole.

I call it “living authentically”. It is my approach to self development based on gestalt psychotherapy. It does not have the usual dilemmas of dealing with ‘procrastination’ because one part of is not included in our decisions. It is not based on a sense of inadequacy or an ideal of what you should be like.

 

I hope you find this approach and way of living appealing. It has changed my life very much for the better. I now live, most of the time most days, with an undercurrent of elated calmness, and am getting better at spotting when I get off track and getting back on track. My life has a better quality now due to living this way.

 

I realise this is a long post, and that it may present some new ways of thinking about things for you. You are very welcome to leave comments or questions. My purpose is to help you examine what is working for you and what isn’t, if your experience doesn’t fit this map please don’t hesitate to junk the map and go with your experience. If you will let me know where it doesn’t fit your experience I would be very grateful.

If you want to explore gestalt therapy further:
Perls, Hefferline and Goodman – Gestalt Therapy
“The paradoxical theory of change” was always part of gestalt psychotherapy but was first named by Arnold Beisser in Gestalt Therapy Now by Fagan and Shepherd.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.

I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.

I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.

---

 

To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tags: experience, gestalt psychotherapy, living authentically, self development, splits, wholism