Meeting Our Shadow

In my experience making significant and lasting change means dealing with the stuff we don’t like about ourselves. Broadly speaking there are two ways to do this: try to ignore/suppress/eliminate it; or we can, welcome/embrace/learn from it.

The biggest problem with the attempt to ignore/suppress/eliminate the parts of ourselves we don’t like is that it doesn’t work. We’ve devoted all that time and energy to doing it – and those parts of us are still there. Those bits we don’t like are part of us. Even if it did work we’d be a lesser person, having eliminated some parts of ourselves, which isn’t exactly great news.

This brings us to the welcoming/embracing/learning option. This brings me to an important DVD by Debbie Ford call The Shadow Effect. All those parts of us that we don’t like are what Debbie calls “the shadow”. The DVD is about the positive changes that happen for us when we come to terms with our shadow.

Debbie learned about the liberation of dealing with her shadow in a therapy group. In this group a woman called her a bitch (this is a fair way from the ‘positive affirmations’ way of doing things – at least at first). She knew this part of herself – and didn’t like it particularly. She then got to explore how being a bitch might be useful to her – at the time it was getting some renovations to her house done on time. It turned out that this part of her she didn’t like (the bitchy part) was actually very helpful to her. This is what it means to come to terms with the shadow. In a nutshell, this is the message of the DVD. And it is an enormously important message I think.

Coming to terms with our shadow can have a very positive effect not just on ourselves but on our relationships too. When we don’t like a part of ourselves we usually see it in other people. (The technical term for this is “projection”: I project what is in me on to the blank screen of others.) When I don’t get enough sleep and force myself to soldier on, all of a sudden the world is an annoying place. If I took some time to know that I am annoyed with not getting enough sleep I might have a better day.

What’s the DVD like?
1. In style it’s much like The Secret (though in my view the content is streets ahead). It has people talking to camera about the subject; it has scenes to illustrate the points made.
2. For me (a rather cool thinker) the opening was too intense – loud music, white text on black ground, speeded up film. For people more emotional I think it would be great.
3. Some of the DVD is Debbie presenting at a seminar. She speaks well and presents the material clearly.
4. The scenes used to illustrate the points work well. They are simple, direct and well acted. The production qualities are good.
5. The DVD ends with a brief exercise that is worth doing. There is another version which has an 8 part exercise which I haven’t done but which seems excellent.
6. Reclaiming our shadow is such an important topic that I hope you will see the DVD and take its message on board. Your life will be changed very much for the better if you do.

There are some drawbacks and quibbles I have.
1. The intended audience is the US. It is almost entirely US citizens who speak and US citizens used as examples.
2. Some of the manifestations of the shadow are fairly slight – binging and breaking your diet once isn’t a terribly significant manifestation of my shadow in my view.
3. A lot of the manifestations of the shadow that are named go against the usual moral categories. There isn’t a lot of examination of how the shadow is a pernicious part of our normal lives and the morality generally accepted.

There are some deeper issues I have too. These don’t go to the heart of the message but they are significant for me.
1. One of the things that Debbie believes is: That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. I think this is flat out wrong. I think: That which doesn’t kill us can leave us maimed.
2. Debbie describes coming to terms with our shadow as forgiveness. This word can be a major problem for those who have been abused by others. I prefer not to use it.
However, Debbie does make the point that the forgiveness is first of ourselves and then of others. One of the people who speaks to camera makes the point that to forgive is not to condone. I was very glad that this point was made.
3. That all experiences are positive. The idea here is that we are the result of all our experiences and so even the bad experiences were ‘positive for us’. Once again, to my mind, this is flat out wrong, for two reasons. 1. We can learn just as easily (I would argue more easily) the same lessons in a positive environment as in a negative one. 2. It makes the experience the positive instead of the person’s response – and so robs them of the very great credit that they should receive. (I know this is not the intention, but it is the result of this line of thinking in my view.) I would prefer to say that, even though the experience was awful we can make a positive response, such as learning from it.
However, these are quibbles and mostly about how things are said. Overall I am very glad that this DVD has been made and I would like everyone to see it.

Some of the many important things in the DVD that I agree with whole-heartedly with are:
• We create our persona(s) (that is our masks) in order to belong.
• You own the shadow or it owns you.
• What you resist will persist.
• It is possible to leave the past behind once we own our shadow.
• It is about embracing authentically who we are.

All these are important and valuable insights. I think taking any one of them seriously will change our lives permanently much for the better. That so many of them are packed into one DVD is great. This is a DVD that is important and, if taken to heart, will lead to permanent and very positive changes.

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Tags: psychotherapy, self development, the shadow