The Self
Self development is about change. And the way to change is paradoxical – acceptance of who I am brings change, knowing where I am helps me to move forward.
Self development is about discovering myself: I can be surprised by who I am and what I care about. The self that we develop is more than our conscious awareness – our body can have a wisdom that we are unaware of (or that we suppress). Our emotions aren’t always what we would wish them to be.
We can set out on a self development project or process and end up places that we didn’t intend. We may set out to overcome an addiction and learn about our attitude to ourselves or the way we relate to others.
Transformation
The change we seek is a transformation – it is a continuation of who we are (our self) and a change to it as well. Like the caterpillar and the butterfly – and the results can be just as surprising (to ourselves as well as others).
I found, through my own self development work, that my concern for doing things well (competence) was an attempt to gain acceptance. Once I found that I could accept myself then I found that I could accept many other people too. My life had a new lightness and my relationships improved.
Authenticity
Authenticity is the key to transformation. It is by accepting all parts of ourselves (especially the bits we don’t like) that bring change. (There are some parts of our experience that come from others and that we reject because they are not authentically ourselves. We do not accept these parts, we reject them.) That is, finding my authentic self is the way to transformation.
My inner critic, that criticised me for not doing things well, wanted me to be accepted. It turns out that this desire could be met in a more enjoyable way. It also helped me do well at what I wanted to do: it could be a collaborator in helping me learn instead of a source of anxiety that interfered with learning.
What experiences of transformation have you had? Can you say what helped or hindered the process? I’d love to hear your experience in the comments.
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Tags: acceptance, authenticity, self, self acceptance, self development, transformation
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Evan. Thanks for sharing your views on this. My own experience of transformation is that it’s not a smooth or linear process.
I’ve experienced ‘breakthrough moments’ where I’ve discovered something new about myself – from a self-realisation, some feedback from outside or some inspiration from someone (either meeting them or reading something they wrote). Those breakthroughs are then usually followed by a period of assimilation – steps forward and small steps backward. One thing that helped me was acceptance that transformation happens at its own pace and not at a pace I set myself. It’s a communication and learning between my conscious realm and sub-concious world and I have don’t have complete control over that (some, but not complete).
Another thing that really helped me was having people around who support me and challenge me and love me through whatever change process I’m going through. When I haven’t had that, self development is a lonely process and I find it hard to keep momentum without other people around.
What hindered me has been a tendency to slip back into old patterns and not ride the wave, as it were, but step off it. Either through responding to the fear or lack of confidence I can cope with being the ‘new me’ that emerges. Fortunately the wave always come back!
Thanks Ian, like you I find the rhythm is breakthrough followed by the ups and downs, backwards and forwards, of consolidation. Like you having supportive people around has really helped me. I have been very fortunate in my life to have had very talented people be very patient with me.
My recent post about Collaborating with Life is about transformation involving parts of us that are beyond our awareness and intentions. It’s a fascinating process.
Slipping back for me, I’m not sure about. I think probably it’s about discomfort with the new me, though I’m not sure what quality the discomfort has.
Thanks for your very thoughtful and personal comment.
Evan, I really resonate with this post, particularly the parts about transformation. To be it’s an ongoing & progressive process & journey. The relationship between transformation, acceptance (of self & others) and authenticity are key to our personal & community growth.
In terms of transformation, I have done a video on my blog which outlines some of my experiences and challenges. You can look at that here:http://kittycheng.blogspot.com.....imony.html
Right now with my work with Transforming Melbourne, we are doing a film project of transformational stories, where we endeavour to make unknown stories known to the community.
I’ve subscribed to your newsletter & am certainly keen to live an authentic life.
Hi Kitty, I’ll look at the video when my internet account recovers from a bit of a binge – probably in a couple of days. Many thanks for subscribing – any and all feedback or comments or suggestions you may have are very welcome.
I think it is very much a journey – as Ian said in his comment, breakthrough followed by consolidation and then the next step. Please keep me updated on how your Transforming Melbourne projects goes – as a Sydneysider it is obligatory that I think that Melbourne needs transforming (into something like Sydney!). Only joking.
Many thanks for your comment.
Great thought provoking post as usual. Transformation and Authenticity are indeed keys to self-development. My “breakthroughs” happen when I just allow myself to be without censorship from my thoughts and emotions. I allow myself to simply “be” which leads to awareness, struggle and change.
take care,
CC
Thanks CC. You’ve got me thinking about the ‘just letting myself be’ side of the story and how it relates to ‘focussed effort’ side of the story. I hadn’t thought of it quite that way before, it’s intriguing. Many thanks for your comment.
The hardest, I think, is authenticity. This is especially hard for dissociative people. Many of our parts do not act in a way that we feel is authentic. How to heal that is the question I’ve been asking myself. This is the struggle (at least for me).
Hi Paul, I can imagine that this would be awfully difficult. I don’t know anyone well with a diagnosis of DID. I have known people who dissociated as a way of coping with abuse – and who then dissociate sometimes when they remember. Reading your story on your blog has opened up a quite different world for me. One day, when you have the time and energy I’d love to see your thoughts on authenticity, and I think others would find it valuable too. But that’s perhaps for another time. Many thanks for your comment.
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