I’m a bit unusual in the self development section of the blogosphere. I think change comes from acceptance and is best done in small and easy steps.
This is different to what I think of as the usual approach. The usual approach focuses on motivation – if you want something enough you will do it. That you need to fight your inclination to not do the work to make the change you want to make.
I’ve linked below to some past posts of mine that set out my approach in more detail (one of them a guest post on another blog).
In brief my problem with the usual approach is that I am committed to wholism and authenticity. The idea that one part of us is good and another bad is something that I don’t immediately accept. (I do think that some kinds of behaviour are bad.) Being caught in some kind of fight between different desires or goals is not pleasant. And it is exhausting – if you fight yourself you lose, even if you win.
The usual approach is rarely sustainable. It may work to make a breakthrough but the change made is usually rapidly lost (so there is much attention given to maintaining motivation and wanting to avoid embarrassing yourself by making public declarations and so on). It is also not pleasant to contemplate (so you need to be motivated enough to do what ‘you’ don’t want to do).
The usual approach amounts to treating yourself badly. Why would people want to do this? To achieve something (these things are usually called ‘goals’). But why do people want to achieve things? My guess is because they want to feel good. But the usual approach can only partly deliver this because it uses feeling bad as a way to deliver the achievements needed to feel good. My preference is for people to treat themselves well.
The usual approach also contains little place for reflection. If you lose interest you should try harder. But perhaps you are no longer interested for a good reason. Perhaps it was a silly idea to start with. The traditional approach doesn’t enquire into why people wish to achieve a particular goal – I think this is a major weakness. It is quite possible to commit to a huge goal, achieve it, and then be surprised that you don’t feel fulfilled. Sadly, this is not uncommon.
My guess is that feeling driven is usually a good reason to examine what is driving you.
So my approach is to sit with what we want to do. Spend time listening to any reservations or reluctance we may have. Then find a way that all of us can be happy with. Will this always be possible? Perhaps not – especially when we are pressed for time. But it is certainly taking the time to find out if it is.
I realise this may be an unusual approach so please feel free to leave any comments or questions you may have. I would love to hear about your experience of making changes and what has worked for you. (Disagreement with what I have said is always welcome.)
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Related posts:
- Small Steps Add Up
- Three Steps to a New Life
- An Easy Life or Exploring the Unfamiliar
- Scolding Isn’t a Good Way to Change Your Life
- To Change Your Life Have a Map
Tags: change easily, small steps
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Evan –
I was thinking about commenting, and Careema “noodged” me. (Just joking, Careema …)
Having followed a number of personal development folk for a while, I see what you’re saying about this imperative to strive to achieve some goal.
In my opinion, some of these people have the cart before the horse, whereas there are a few that have it right.
As I understand it, the way we find meaningful, long-term motivation is to find what gives us a sense of purpose first. With that as our primary driver, the inner conflict toward achieving a goal we want dissolves. We find new energy we didn’t have before, new focus, and we find ourselves open to tackling new challenges, to do what’s needed to achieve the purpose that “calls” us. The “rub” is getting in touch with that sense of purpose, and until a person has a real handle on it, any effort devoted toward some goal is misdirected, because we aren’t acting toward a goal we really want. It takes someone dedicated to self-honest (or should I say authenticity?) to reach that point where he/she has identified the thing or things that gives him/her a sense of true purpose.
Having made this bold statement, I will confess I am still fairly new in my own sense of purpose, and time will tell how deeply I feel it.
– Daniel
Evan, this piece fascinates me no end as I wander through the pieces suggested.
I also liked Daniel’s idea of distinguishing an unquestioned drive to achieve from finding our one true purpose first. I suspect you may be more honest than many by admitting to not having found yours yet.
I have found my purpose many times throughout my life. It changes, and not always because it wasn’t my true purpose. So that now I have reformulated my “purpose” into following my heart or inner beacon. Not in a hippie-pie-in-the-sky way, but using various forms of reflection (as Evan mentions). It took a lot of learning of trust to be able to do this, but now there’s this place of visceral knowing most of the time. If I stray for old resurfacing reasons (like being how someone else wants me to be) I get a gentle warning signal, a feeling of caution or doubt or stuck-ness. At this moment I’m getting a stuck feeling, and I won’t try to ignore it or shove it aside no matter what.
Hi Daniel, I agree entirely that focusing on motivation puts the cart before the horse. I also want to highlight what I think you implied – that once we have that sense of purpose the feeling of the motivation changes. It is no longer a feeling of fighting ourselves but the feeling of all of us being focused on the doing of something. I hope you’ll keep us in touch with how your feeling of purpose progresses and evolves.
Evan –
Yes, you got it on the nose. And, no, you aren’t getting rid of me any time soon.
– Daniel
Hi Celeste, I too liked Daniel’s distinction. Like you my purpose has changed and evolved. I too have found that trust has been a big lesson. One turning point for me in learning trust was a group of actors doing community development. They devised stuff anew each time using drama and mime to highlight issues in community change. They were a very talented group. I was talking to one of them in a break and she was encouraging me to try stuff out because they had learnt that it was OK. My response was along the lines of, “Get real, you are a really talented group of people”. Her response was something like, “But that’s how we learnt too; just trying things and learning that it’s OK.” Lots of people had probably said similar things to me in the past but that time it went home. I now have a more experimental attitude – we’ll try it out in a small way and see what happens. Thanks for your comment.
Glad to hear it, Evan.