Dec

Don’t Control Your Emotions

I think “controlling” your emotions is a rotten idea, here’s why.

Living Whole
When we are acting with all of us this experience has depth and satisfaction. This is true even if we are dealing with something awful – like mourning the death of someone we loved. If we bring all of us to the situation usually we will feel OK about it even if we fail. On other occasions, when we have failed at something or not gotten something important, we work through the emotions and consequences the best we can.

Getting to Wholeness
It is common for us to not know immediately what we want. So we scan (inside and outside). If I don’t know what I want for lunch then I scan how I feel and what is in the fridge. This process usually happens quite naturally and easily and usually to a satisfactory outcome.

So lack of wholeness is a common one – one that we move through on to the way to doing. We move from being split (in ‘two minds’) or confused to knowing what we want.

Layers
Our wholeness has layers or dimensions (for me they are physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social). The more dimensions involved the more complicated it will be to reach wholeness. Choosing what I want for lunch can be fairly straightforward if I know what I like and suits my body and I have a fridge stocked with food that is compatible with this. But . . .

I might have bad feelings about eating
I might have learned unhelpful thoughts about food
I might subscribe to values that don’t value physical needs and desires
The food that is manufactured might not suit my needs or values.

Even something as simple as choosing lunch can get complicated.

The best way to handle this complexity and arrive at wholeness I think is to play and experiment. Prioritising and planning come later – once we know the situation and our preferences.

Being Split
Being split is quite usual – and we usually move through it. But sometimes we make ourselves split or keep ourselves this way. This is usually experienced as frustrating. We may feel hopeless, or angry or sad. There are versions of morality that value this situation – that we fight a hopeless battle with stoicism or ‘rise above’ it. (You can tell that this isn’t my kind of morality can’t you.)

“Controlling” Our Emotions
When we ‘control’ our emotions we are usually putting ourselves into this situation of being split. And it isn’t pleasant.

We usually do this because we disprove of one emotion (the usual is anger, though sexual desire is still commonly devalued also – and for men, sadness) or sometimes of all of them (“don’t be too emotional”, “you’re over-reacting” – but how much is enough?). Sometimes it is because we believe our emotions ‘get in the way’ of a goal or preference that we have (to have a relationship without disagreements, taking time away from a project or whatever).

But our emotions are part of us. If we ignore them they don’t go away (though we do learn to ignore them – and develop particular rigidities (muscular and otherwise) as a result). We just end up continually split – and so we have the experience of always feeling hopeless or angry or frustrated or sad. At least in the background and often enough in the foreground too. This is what we do to ourselves when we ‘control’ our emotions.

Just Venting Is No Better
“Controlling” our emotions creates misery because we are whole beings of whom our emotions are a part. Just venting our emotions creates misery because we are whole beings of whom our emotions are only one part.

It is not ‘right’ to voice whatever we feel or think. It may well be right to express our feelings in a way other than what first occurs to us.

We may have another feeling – such as caution
We may have learnt that one way of expressing a feeling doesn’t work in one situation or with a particular person
We may have values about how emotion should be expressed (without violence, or with directness, or creatively, or subtly and so on).
We are part of relationships where some emotions are received better when expressed in some ways than in others.

A metaphor that works for me is that emotion is not to be dammed but to be channelled. If we dam it usually there comes a time when we ‘go over the top’ and there is this powerful flood that can be destructive. If we don’t channel it then our emotions get scattered and don’t help us live attentively and effectively.

In my experience the best way to find how to do this is by playing and experimenting in a safe place. This may mean on your own. It may mean in a therapy group or with a group of friends.

The Gifts of Our Emotions
1. The first gift our emotions have for us is information. Our emotions are spontaneous evaluations of our situation.

Fear means we perceive danger
Anger means we feel something precious to us is threatened

and so on.

This doesn’t mean this evaluation is always correct. But it is information that is worth taking account of.

2. The second gift is energy. Any emotion is our energy organised to a purpose.

Anger is the energy to defend
Fear is the energy to fight, freeze or flee
Sadness is energy organised to let go of something

and so on.

When our feeling is expressed satisfactorily there is energy in what we are doing.

When curious and free to investigate
When angry and free to oppose
When sad and free to withdraw or cry
When aroused and able to approach the person we like

then we have energy, we are acting whole and experience a quality of vibrancy. When we can’t express our emotion satisfactorily we experience more or less misery or frustration.

Which is why I think ‘controlling’ our emotions is a rotten idea.

I do realise that this goes against some common ideas (even in the world of self development). Disagreement is welcome. And so is agreement. Do you feel that you are able to express your emotions? – or perhaps some and not others. I would like know how well you get on with your emotions, let me know in the comments.

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I would like your help.

I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.

I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.

I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.

To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

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