Jan

Knowing What We Think and Acting On It in Self Development

This post was prompted by a comment in the box in the sidebar asking you about your greatest difficulty living an authentic life. The comment was,

Figuring out what I’m really thinking and then acting on it.

It seems to me that this difficulty has two stages: confusion (“figuring out what I’m really thinking”), and; reluctance (“acting on it”).

CONFUSION

Confusion About Deciding
Sometimes not knowing what we think is when we are drawn equally to two (or more) choices – or have different reasons for preferring different options. Broadly speaking there are two ways to address this.

Firstly, if you have lots of options you can rank them against each other. Say there are five. You take option one and rank it against the other four. If it wins, you’ve decided. If say option two wins then you rank it against the remaining three. This sounds simple and is. It is not often useful but when it is it works like a charm.

Secondly, more usually, we are drawn equally to two things or have different reasons for preferring different things.

In this situation it is good to listen to both (or more) of the thoughts. They are all you – it is you who are drawn to the different options (however many there are). If you ignore or suppress something then you are ignoring or suppressing part of you – this usually doesn’t work long term and involves ongoing work to keep part of you suppressed.

In this situation the ideal is to find something that appeals to all of you. You can do this I think in three of ways.

The first is alternating
being drawn to a perpetual holiday and doing worthwhile work 24/7 can be resolved by getting enough sleep so you can give you all have (but no more) to your work.

The second is integration. Finding a solution that satisfies both parts.

Eg. Two friends preferring different movies could lead to doing a completely different activity.
My not knowing whether to get angry or comply with a command can be integrated in stating my disagreement.

The third is realising that there may be something else going on.

I may be confused about which bike to buy and not realise that I think I will be a more cool dude if I buy a bike.
I may be confused about which course to choose at uni and not realise that I think it will be a job ticket.
If there is something else underneath the thoughts then this will help us move on from this particular confusion.

Confusion About Authorities
Sometimes we are confused because different people say different things. In the age of the internet this can be quite a problem.

One way to resolve this is to decide which authority you want to trust.

This usually amounts to something like: My current [religion, philosophy, spiritual practise, way of thinking, psychology] has worked so far, so I’ll stick with it. Or that it doesn’t work any more – so will go with the alternative.

Usually it is more complicated than this – we are drawn to the differing advice. So the alternative is understand what it is that we find accurate or attractive about the different pieces of advice.

I might like feeling good about what I achieve from working hard as recommended by the ‘self esteem comes from achievement’ line of thinking. I might not like the stress this brings and also like the advice that comes from ‘don’t push the river, life flows by itself’ school. I can then move on to finding a way that honours what wisdom there may be in both approaches. Perhaps I will find that a playful attentiveness is enjoyable and efficient.

Testing Advice
When we are confused by differing advice we can test the advice against our existing experience. This kind of filtering process will at least get us clear on what we do know. We can then get a sense of what more we need to know.

We can also test the reasons given for believing the advice. People will often give reasons to back their opinion. It is worth listening to these and seeing what you make of them and if the advice makes sense in light of them.

Understanding the Attraction
We are confused by different advice because we find the different advice attractive. It is worth understanding what the attraction is.

I should leave my partner because they are clueless about my emotions and I want an emotionally nourishing relationship.
I should stay with my partner because they are kind, reasonable and I value loyalty.
This kind of clarity can lead to considering differing solutions (like marriage counselling).

Confusion Due to Lack of Information or Experience
There are lots of things we don’t know about. And so we won’t necessarily know what we think.

This means we need more information or experience.

The big question is do we want to invest the time or energy we need to know or experience enough. It is still true that an hour a day for three years can make you well informed on anything. It may well be worth this amount of time and effort to learn about business investments, philosophy, or your hobby. But you may prefer to just ask a knowledgeable friend about which car to buy or what a holiday destination is like.

RELUCTANCE

Procrastination
“If you are procrastinating; consider not doing it” is, I think, very wise advice. It will usually lead to us discovering the consequences of not doing it. And help us be clear on the benefits of doing it. It can help clear the emotional fog and help us think more clearly.

Thoughts and Feelings
. . . are different. Some action may move you toward a desirable goal but the action itself may be unattractive.

You are both your thoughts and feelings. So listen to both. Sometimes our thoughts are misguided, sometimes our feelings are to do with the past not our current situation. Neither is infallible and both provide valuable information. Our chances of doing well are maximised if we listen to both.

Fear
Fear is good – it alerts us to the presence of danger, so we can modify our behaviour accordingly.

Fear is good when it is a response to the current situation. So it is worth listening to.

If you listen to fear you may well learn about pitfalls that need to be considered (even if it is only a case of ‘forewarned is forearmed’).

If you listen to your fears you may find that they are ludicrously exaggerated. And so you don’t really have much to worry about.

This can lead to exploring what purpose the exaggeration serves for you (likely to keep you safe), but that is another story.

My values say that safety is valuable – ‘that which doesn’t kill us can leave us maimed’.

In my experience unintended consequences occur, starting small can be wise.

Fear is not infallible, but it can become a good friend.

Planning
Our lives can be complex and even a small change can lead to unexpected difficulties. So it can be worthwhile to set aside a minute or two to think about what you want to do. If may be that what you want to do is quite straightforward. It may turn out that there are things you hadn’t thought about – in which case it is good to know.

Take a couple of minutes to think about how you are going to decide what you want to do. It may be time very well spent – even if it is just spent scheduling a time to do the planning that you need to do.

I hope this provides useful guidance on how to figure out what we are really thinking and acting on it.

I would like to hear your wisdom on this too. Let me know how you know what you think and how you move smoothly (or not) into action, in the comments.

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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.

It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.

If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.

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