In this post I briefly touch on child abuse. So please don’t read it if you feel this might be triggering for you.
For me authenticity means living from the core of who you are.
One implication of this is that there are some concerns and activities that are peripheral for you. I am quite indifferent to fashion and sport, these may be quite close to your core.
A famous Australian model (Maggie Taberer) told the story of her crying, at about age 5, because her mother sent her to school with a ribbon in her hair of a colour that didn’t match the rest of her outfit.
Your life will likely be made up of things that matter a lot to you and some that matter a little and some that you are quite indifferent too.
Another implication of the difference between the core of who we are and ‘the rest’, I find a bit trickier to explain. It is the experience we have of doing things, or having ‘parts’ of ourselves, that ‘aren’t really us’. These experiences are things like:
- Pushing yourself to do something that just doesn’t feel right
- Frustration that doesn’t lessen even though it has been ages (perhaps years) – though you can perhaps ignore it or go numb
- Judgements about yourself (or aspects of yourself) – which you can perhaps remember or hear, which still cause you to change your behaviour or make particular judgements about people and activities.
This post is about junking those parts of us that aren’t authentically us but that have been with us for a long time, perhaps as long as we can remember.
Why do we end up like this?
I think there are a couple of ways:
1. We haven’t been aware of alternatives, we just sort of picked it up, or,
2. through trauma.
Perhaps you were bought up in a way that didn’t offer you the possibilities you needed. This could have been because of circumstances:
- lessons in what you were interested in weren’t available
- the lessons you did were just awful and so turned you off what you were interested in (the experience of many a person interested in music. [Check out Kodaly (properly pronounced 'cod-eye', not 'cuddly' – as I prefer) for a good and enjoyable system of music education.]
- there wasn’t enough money to buy the equipment you needed to pursue your interest
- you simply weren’t exposed to some things and so didn’t know about them (I had no idea there was such a thing as a subject called ‘history of ideas’ until well after graduating uni. As it turns out, it seems that it is studied in the most lamentably academic way, so I might have had a lucky escape.).
- a parent was killed in an accident so you didn’t have an ongoing, caring relationship
Or, because your early care givers were different to you:
- they thought what you cared about was wrong or not worth you,
- they didn’t understand your way of seeing or relating to the world
- they believed your hopes were unrealistic
- they thought that pursuing your wishes would lead to bad things happening to you
Children adapt to their environment – it is just natural. And so if your environment didn’t fit with your interests or talents this probably became usual or natural for you. And so you did other things instead (which didn’t turn you on exactly, but there were no alternatives available to you).
And if things went along normally, as an adult, you will feel that it is natural to do things that don’t come naturally for you. That it is usual to feel conflicted and not enthusiastic. There are whole industries that exist because this situation is so usual (yes, including the self development industry).
So sometimes we end up with ‘parts’ of us that aren’t really us just because where we grew up with didn’t suit us or because our parents were clueless about us (however well intentioned they were).
The other way we end up with ‘parts’ of ourselves that aren’t really us is through trauma.
It may be that when you were young you were involved in a natural disaster or some kind of accident. If the consequences took a long time to process (from a child’s point of view), then this shaped your perceptions of what life is like. You may have concluded:
- stuff just happens, so I get on with it; what I want doesn’t matter
- stuff just happens, so there is nothing I can do to influence the world; I won’t get what I want so there’s no point trying
- life is difficult and painful
Most people most of the time (perhaps surprisingly) recover fairly well from accidents and natural disasters.
For most people most of the time the trauma that does the damage is the trauma inflicted by those who were authority figures or meant to be caregivers. Child abuse (physical and sexual) has long lasting effects. For a blog that aggregates news about the impact of “Adverse Childhood Experiences” check out this blog, they have several posts a day.
Child abuse is one reason we develop ‘parts’ of ourselves that aren’t really us. This is because, for the child, the abuse is in some sense ‘normal’ (it is the way the world is. It can help enormously if the child has strong relationships that aren’t abusive – a group like a choir, scout group or sports club, or a relative like aunt or uncle or grandparent.)
And a disturbing implication is that, if they are in the role of authority figure or caregiver, the abuser is a role model. The abuser may be disliked and hated but they are what a father [mother/man/woman/authority figure] is. And the child has no choice but to model themselves on the people who are in their life. We internalise our parents and authority figures to some extent; and if the only one we have is abusive we have no option but to internalise some of who they are (however disliked and hated).
I want to emphasise that this is a normal and usual process. We learn from those around us (and the most powerful lessons are sometimes the ones that are unconscious). We deal with what we know, we respond to the situation that we know. Children are incredibly resilient and deal amazingly well with situations that no one should have inflicted on them.
The result is that we end up having ‘swallowed’ (internalised) behaviours, thoughts and attitudes that are quite foreign to us. They really are not part of who we truly are.
How can you tell?
This is tricky – especially once you realise that you can dislike parts of you that really are you.
Here are some rules of thumb.
If you doubt that abuse happened and that you fear you might be making up stuff (at least the details):
- If there is a scar there was a wound. If you have an unusually strong reaction to a kind of person, type of behaviour or particular occasions there is a reason for it.
- Getting every detail right isn’t what is most important. If you’ve been in a car crash it doesn’t matter that you can’t remember all the details. It happened.
- Children are usually good at knowing when they make stuff up – that they are “pretending”; and will often get upset with adults who don’t know how to go along with this. If you feel that something is real it likely as some good basis in reality.
- Your body reacts for a reason. If you feel instinctive revulsion to particular kinds of touch, or touch in particular places, or to seeing behaviour that you think shouldn’t affect you in this way; there is a reason.
To sort out if your behaviour or attitude is from someone else and genuinely not part of you try the heroes and villains exercise from the previous post.
- If you can hear a voice. Especially if it is of someone you recognise. It is probably from someone else.
- If you can remember a scene (or several occasions) where a behaviour was commanded or an attitude stated. Especially if the memory is of a caregiver or authority figure. It is probably not genuinely you but something you have ‘swallowed’ from the remember person(s).
- Pay attention when you are surprised by the words that come out of your mouth.
- Pay attention to bodily reactions that are puzzling.
- When you think, “Was that me who said/did that?” take the time to pause and answer.
What can you do?
The next post will be about how we nourish ourselves. So there is more detail coming. Here are three ideas in brief.
1. Enlist help from others when you feel that you want to. This can be from friends, support groups or someone you pay.
(Counselling is now available over phone, skype and by email if you are in a remote area, or if you prefer these modes. There are therapists employed by churches and other charities who having sliding scales of fees. There are huge numbers of great therapists around. How to choose? Asking people about their personal experience of a therapist is the best way. Other than that; you look around and go off your gut.)
2.Take small steps.
If you were abused there has likely been enough fear in your life already.
[And those self development gurus who tell you to push yourself, take risks, get out of your comfort zone – you have my permission to, in your mind, tell them to something anatomically impossible of your choice.]
Find something positive that you feel, “Oh well, I can do that; that’s easy!” Then move on to the next thing. In this way you progress steadily toward a better life in an enjoyable way (and learn that desirable change can be easy and pleasurable); which sounds like a recipe for likely success.
3. Do something nice for the child inside every day.
Enjoying the sun, breeze, rain.
Stopping and looking at something beautiful.
Taking time to breathe.
Do fun stuff (just because it’s fun).
This is a long post; I wanted to cover the topic all in one go. I hope it is clear and helpful. The idea that you have ‘swallowed’ other people’s attitudes and behaviours, and that they are ‘not the real me’ can take a while to wrap your head around. (It did for me, even though it made immediate sense too.)
Any and all feedback, questions and comments that you have are most welcome in the comments.
I'm Evan Hadkins. I'm Evan Hadkins. To find out how to live a more satisfying life you can download my manifesto on living authentically. It is a book of exercises to guide you to finding, nourishing and living from the core of who you are.
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Thank you, Evan, for saying things in a way that I can understand and connect to, and then stepping out from there. Far better stepping off point. Really……
Thanks Mary, very glad to hear it connects. When dealing with these things it is always hard to know what will communicate. Many thanks for letting me know.
You seem to keep the rungs of the ladder to your thinking very close, giving the reader information succinctly, which helps with the aligning of it. For me, anyway. You give me a handle to hold on to while exploring, verbal guidance to know what it is I can look for, and reasons to connect in ways that are healthier. It’s for expression of authenticism (sounds more like a verb) about ourselves that we do this…nutrients to grow when you realize the seeds exist. And there is always this challenge…to rise out of the many to become one….to just be one’s authentic self.
Hi Mary, good to know that I manage to do this. Many thanks for your comment.
Hi Evan, this definitely seems like quite the tour de force to me — I know I’ve been reflecting recently on why I’ve tended to assume that the “rebellious” part of me, the part of me that just wants to say “no” to everything, needs to be suppressed. I think the next stage of my growth is for that to come out, and perhaps emphatically.
Chris Edgar recently posted..Why I Stopped Worrying About Talking Too Much
Funny, Chris, I was thinking in the same way….Been reflecting on what scares me and why. Seems it came an outside force that just wanted to shut me up. Funny, I don’t want to shut up anymore. Emphatically onward!
Hi Chris, maybe this is voyeuristic, but I’d very much like to hear how that goes for you. If you’d like to, I’d like you to keep me in touch with how it goes. There is lots of energy in my rebellious side. I suspect there is in yours – I’d love to hear how it comes out.
Looking forward to hearing lots more from you Mary.
I don’t know how keen you are on quotes, Evan, but these struck me deeply, in light of the journey you have helped me to set forth on…..They’re both from Lao Tzu.
“A man with outward courage dares to die; a man with inner courage dares to live.”
“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.”
That second quote I integrate as, who I say I am right now isn’t really who it is that I am authentically– that, graciously, is the journey that I am on right now…..which will lead to me becoming who I was always meant to be and grow.
And inner courage comes as you connect thoroughly to your core.
I can hardly wait! It takes my breath away, it gives me air to breath…..my thoughts have options, and are taking me somewhere I’ve never been.
Hi Mary, I like both those quotes (I’m a bit of a fan of the Tao).
The second quote is especially revolutionary I think. It opens the future and gives us the possibility of newness. I hadn’t seen it before so I am very grateful that you shared it with me.
Hi Evan
You and I have talked about trauma a lot. As I’ve worked with and thru my ‘trauma truth’ one of the things I don’t often hear said is the compounding difficulties of trauma. When one starts with a foundation that doesn’t seem to have anywhere positive to go, ‘positive going’ cannot become the norm, generally.
You talked about internalizing pieces of others and to this day, even just the mention of that internalization process brings me to one of my mother’s favorite sayings. As a kid, when I’d have done something wrong, my mother would ‘damn’ me with the phrase, “no rest for the wicked”. Not only did I get the idea that I was inherently wicked but I’d be paying the price forever. (and yes I do have a wicked streak that can be both quite ingenious and helpful at times, however it’s mostly my wicked sense of humor I utilize and favor.)
There was and is a compounding element to her naming me wicked. I was not the only one who internalized it. The label made others look at me and treat me as if I were wicked. People were leery, forewarned, expecting god knows what from me. And there have been times when god knows what occurred. I enacted things one might file under ‘wicked’, what I perceived as wicked.
Through this very moment my sister still has me as the source of all trouble, not only between she and I, but her perceptions include, everything I come in contact with, she sees as tainted. I personally feel that great portions of my life have been tainted, have had that ‘basis’ to work from.
As a result, some of the best ‘advice’ or direction I’ve gotten about the trauma is to recognize the element of choice. The trauma no doubt has shaped me, through no choice of my own. And now I must choose to accept the shaping as real, even as it isn’t a real part of me. I also ‘must’ use the shaping if I am to move forward. I needed to transform the ‘no rest’ part of my mother’s saying into there is much work to be done. I needed to choose to see how trauma drew lines in the sand for me, what I stood for or believed, but that required and requires me to look at the ‘trauma truth’ all too often. It can be a daily struggle as I’ve made an error to disbelieve I am useless or wicked. To stop myself from conceding, agreeing ‘they’ are right. My inner judge can take up any slack if outer judges are absent. He and I have endless discourses on when I’m wrong or right. Certainty I’ve done the right thing, or at least the best I could, is a rare gift after one or another seemingly endless evaluation I go through inside me. In the end, the thing I find most helpful is the choice to say this must all be for reasons, reasons I may never know, less I get mired in the compound.
Barbara
PS You mentioned Debbie Ford in your previous article, I was sad and struck pretty hard to see she died this week at age 57. I think your post was the day before she died.
Hi Evan
There is one thing you mentioned I need to respectfully disagree. You indicated one way to find a good therapist is to ask others. Aaghh! Although that may be true for some folks, it does not seem to be the case for a seriously abused trauma survivor. Having been in the process of needing, searching and finding a therapist on several occasions, different rounds of therapy, the thing I found to be most true is my lack of good judgment. Trauma survivors often have had little or no contact with ‘regular’ people. They (we) are drawn to folks who are too similar to those who abused us, or in recreating the dynamics, even if there is no abuser. I found I was asking advice who needed as much help as I, or were denying they needed help, or worse yet, didn’t think a therapist was ever a good option, they could manage themselves.
Granted, in general, there has to be some trust and the likelihood one would find only abusive therapists is close to nil. However, an abuse survivor may not mesh well with the matter-of-fact therapist, taking only practical approach. Nor might the tough love therapist be a good fit. In other words, someone suitable probably needs to be sought after based on abuse specialty of one sort or the other, possibly medical advice/referrals, more than one choice, and then a process of ‘interview sessions’ that have some sort of time frame on them to see how the fit is, based on the therapist knowing how easily an abuse survivor can be swayed, in any direction and one’s own feelings.
Although a co-worker or friend may readily admit to ‘issues’ they want addressed and guidance to work on them, it is not at all the same for someone abused. I had a very loving and compassionate therapist who seemed to have the uncanny ability to diminish my pain or suffering. It seemed to me, and it may not have been true, that everytime we were dealing with something very serious to me, he would make it somehow less than what my feelings might be telling me. And yes, as a trauma survivor, my feelings are often out of the ‘normal range’. But that is exactly the point, i was still having the feelings or perceiving them to be way more serious than how i felt they were being treated. Hence, not a good fit. I wasn’t getting educated in what I was experiencing well enough to know if the therapist was right, my feelings were right, I should just concede because he’s the professional, on and on. I simply didn’t know enough and the therapist didn’t know enough to help me. He was a friend’s referral.
So it is a delicate balance finding a therapist, but the place not (necessarily) to look is from a friend or acquaintance. Better, I think, professional advice. Let a medical doctor or professional abuse organization assist Had I had professional advice I wouldn’t have gone to therapy, quit, started again, repeated, again and again, found an abusive therapist, started over again, etc., etc.. Once I did find the right therapist, our work had to include undoing portions of the therapy I had internalized, whether good or bad, so things would instead be right for me.
Hi Barbara, thanks. I have known other people who have felt that therapists treat their therapy too lightly. In one instance I think it was partly because the person was quite brilliant intellectually and had their life together in most ways and presented pretty well. So the therapist wasn’t looking below the surface – which is sort of their job really (I tend to be fairly hard on therapists).
I should have probably said more about finding a therapist. I meant to ask people about what the therapist was like, what they did well, where they connected and didn’t and so on. And I should have said that you probably need to ‘click’ with someone – have the experience that they ‘get’ you. I do think it will likely mean interviewing therapists in order to choose too. So apologies for not being clear and thanks for describing the process so well.
I think I have a pretty good idea of the unpleasantness you went through when asking others about therapists. I’m sceptical about ‘tough love’ in general. I do think therapists can be uncomfortable with the degree of present pain and past trauma people have. And that they do sometimes distance themselves and make light of things. Which is pretty unhelpful for the client.
Thanks for your input. I think it is valuable.
Hi Barbara, I too was sad to hear that Debbie Ford had died. I liked that she put the shadow on the self development agenda (I think self development can avoid the harder stuff and be too fluffy and ‘positive’).
I’ll be having more to say about trauma in the next post so I hope I can take account of what you have added there. I’m pretty sure I’d like your wicked streak. I probably don’t talk enough about group (esp. family) dynamics. How one child often becomes the black sheep/scapegoat. This happened in my family (to one of my sisters).
I like your description of transforming the negative from your mother into something positive.
Many thanks for your comment.