It is that time of year where bloggers write about resolutions and goals and starting anew and such. I thought I would add my (slightly unusual) take on such things.
We Never Start (Entirely) Fresh
We grow from where we are. We are a combination of our parents genes with a little random luck (good or bad). We live in situations with resources and constraints (which we need to deal with).
Thinking that we can start entirely afresh is likely to lead to disappointment when we come up against the problems in our current situation.
I do think that thinking about what we do if we could start entirely afresh is valuable. It can break us out of our ruts.
And then we start making decisions about what to do next: what resources to use or what constraints to address.
I think a helpful way to move toward where we want to be is to thinking about how we can make our environment as nourishing as possible. What one thing can I do before I go to sleep to nourish me?
- Start the day listening to beautiful music
- Go for a quick walk
- Ring a friend
- Do the first small thing to create the new life you want
With this approach it is possible to appreciate the good in what we have, as well as know what the new is that we want.
Have Fun (Don’t Be Resolute)
You don’t need to be disciplined, resolute, fight procrastination and so on if what you want to do will be fun.
And if what you want to do comes from the core of who you are then it will be deeply nourishing to you. We usually enjoy what is good for us.
Being disciplined and resolute and doing what you don’t want to do has its place. This place is during emergencies where life is at stake. It may be very necessary to be unkind to (parts of) ourself for long-term survival – but it is a rotten recipe for a lifestyle.
Instead of wanting to be resolute and disciplined consider:
- What do I want to do?
- How can I do more of what I want to do?
- How can I get rid of what I don’t want to do?
- How can I make what I do more enjoyable?
I think if we adopt this approach we are likely to craft a more joyous life for ourselves.
Don’t Worry Too Much About Goals (Goals Are Not Good In Themselves)
The value of a goal is what it is directed to. It is quite possible to have as a goal something that is ethically dubious or not worth doing.
It is possible to use goals well.
- The best kinds of goals begin spontaneously. You are interested in something and it occurs to you that you want to do something or get better at something or that this could change your life for the better if you did something with it. This is the best way to discover the big goal. Then we do the analysis and planning to ensure it is possible and find the best way to achieve it.
- Finding what interests you and breaking it down into manageable steps. It helps us be motivated when we can see how what we want can be achieved.
- Finding a way to make reaching the goal as enjoyable as possible. It is easier to keep doing what we enjoy.
- Rewarding yourself for each sub-goal achieved. A path of pleasure is easier to keep walking than one where we are unkind to ourselves.
So here in summary is my (slightly unusual) advice for the new year.
1. Realise that you don’t start completely fresh.
2. Don’t focus on being resolute but on having fun.
3. Don’t focus on goals but on what calls to you.
In this way we can build a more satisfying life in small and enjoyable steps. Which sounds like a great way to live.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: fun, goals, new year's resolutions, starting fresh, starting where you
You can get a magazine about self development once a month for the price of your email address. It is called Life Skills Magazine and it is put together by Ayo. Each issue is put together by a bunch of contributors – some regulars (such as yours truly) and others who Ayo has spotted as having something to contribute. So if you would like a hand picked collection of articles each month on self development head over to Ayo’s blog Discovering Purpose and sign up. The magazine is formatted as an online magazine – so you get layout and graphics to enjoy as well as the articles.
In this post before (what was meant to be) Christmas I asked what you make of self development and the self development blogosphere in particular. A couple of people left very valuable comments. If you missed the post in the rush of Christmas, and if you have thoughts on this, I would appreciate it very much if you left your thoughts, they would be very valuable to me.
Which brings me to the mistake. I thought I had scheduled a post for Christmas but actually I hadn’t. So the post which should have gone out on Christmas Day has just been published a few minutes ago. Sigh.
Hope you had a great Christmas and are looking forward to the new year, Evan.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: self development
When we are healthy we have a sense of what is enough.
- We don’t eat until we are sick,
- we spend enough by ourselves and enough with others,
- we know when our muscles are tired from exercise,
- we know when we have done enough of a particular activity.
Which makes greed interesting. I think greed means going beyond when we have had enough. There is something compulsive about it – forcing ourselves to do more or consume more.
I think this is what makes greed different to fascination or delight. We can be enthralled by something and have the feeling that ‘we can’t get enough of it’, but I think this is different to being greedy. When we can’t get enough of something (in a positive sense) we have a feeling that it is doing us good.
I think greed is sometimes because we don’t have an experience of enough. Someone wasn’t given attention as a child and so they fall in love with someone who does give them attention (despite other signs that they may not be a suitable partner at all). At these times our greed is making up for being starved of something.
Other times I think greed is because what we are consuming is standing in for something else. We eat instead of feeling good about ourselves for instance. And we can never get enough of something that doesn’t satisfy us. We are greedy because our desire is misdirected – and we aren’t aware of other options to meet our need.
Christmas
The Christian Christmas message (as opposed to the commercial message) is about giving freely. The living god is a giving god – not self-contained but open to relationship.
Which is the other half of the Christmas message – that people are ready to receive the gift.
Christmas is about mutuality – both giving and receiving freely.
Receiving
The Christian Christmas message is about freedom. The gift of god liberates.
From what I’ve seen it is often harder to receive freely than to give freely. To receive a gift seems to often bring a sense of obligation. Which seems to have both a good and bad side. To want to reciprocate and deepen a relationship seems like a good thing to me. To feel obligated seems less good. When there is obligation it is possible for the giving of a gift to be a power play.
Usually we are able to give freely because we have enough – we give from our surplus. But receiving freely seems to be trickier. Perhaps it is because we feel undeserving and don’t savour the gift – moving to reciprocating before we have received the pleasure of the gift.
If we enjoy the gift then our response of giving can come from pleasure not obligation.
Receiving then Giving
So I think Christmas can be about becoming conscious of what we have received.
- If you are in the Christian tradition you can contemplate the possibilities god opens to us. The spirit that is offered that brings life.
- You can contemplate what it is that you have received this year. Time friends have spent with you. Hospitality or offers of assistance. Perhaps small tangible gifts. Perhaps your life partner or child telling you they love you or helping you do something. Perhaps good health or good health care.
- You can contemplate what you feel you have enough of. It may be possessions, or it may be health, it may relationships or an activity that you find fulfilling.
Then from this sense of enough you can give freely.
- A tangible gift.
- Doing something for another.
- Sharing a pleasurable activity.
- Giving your attention to someone.
- Speaking or showing your love.
I hope that at this time of year you have a sense of enough in some part of your experience. That you are in a place where you have received from others or have a sense of support from spirit.
This is my last post for this year. I will be having a break until the new year, spending lots of time with my partner relaxing and doing stuff together. I hope you have an enjoyable break also, Evan.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: a sense of enough, Christmas, enough, gifts, giving, greed, receiving
It is that time of year when bloggers review the year and come up with lists of best blogs. The following thoughts were prompted by Steven Aitchison’s Top 50 Personal Development Blogs of 2011.
I don’t object to this in principle – so long as the inclusions and awards aren’t taken too seriously. If you want a guide to the self development blogosphere this is a good one. It is a fine post and the blogs listed are all fine blogs.
I know because I looked at all of them.
And that lead me to a problem. I wasn’t left inspired. I was left feeling underwhelmed. I did find a couple that I thought of adding to the blogs I follow.
I guess my problem is: Why didn’t I enthusiastically add all 50 to the blogs I follow? Or, more realistically; Why wasn’t it an agonising decision to decide which ones not to follow?
On this sample – and I think it is a fair and good one – the self development blogosphere is just a bit ordinary.
Enough about me.
What do you think? What are your uncensored thoughts on the world of self development and the self development blogosphere in particular?
What would your dream self development blog be like? What do you look for when you look for a stand out self development blog?
And yes, this blog being one of the self development blogs is fair game too! So let me know your thoughts, all opinions from the glowing to extreme negative are welcome, I’ll be very interested to hear what you have to say, Evan.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: blogs, self development
I think “controlling” your emotions is a rotten idea, here’s why.
Living Whole
When we are acting with all of us this experience has depth and satisfaction. This is true even if we are dealing with something awful – like mourning the death of someone we loved. If we bring all of us to the situation usually we will feel OK about it even if we fail. On other occasions, when we have failed at something or not gotten something important, we work through the emotions and consequences the best we can.
Getting to Wholeness
It is common for us to not know immediately what we want. So we scan (inside and outside). If I don’t know what I want for lunch then I scan how I feel and what is in the fridge. This process usually happens quite naturally and easily and usually to a satisfactory outcome.
So lack of wholeness is a common one – one that we move through on to the way to doing. We move from being split (in ‘two minds’) or confused to knowing what we want.
Layers
Our wholeness has layers or dimensions (for me they are physical, emotional, mental, spiritual and social). The more dimensions involved the more complicated it will be to reach wholeness. Choosing what I want for lunch can be fairly straightforward if I know what I like and suits my body and I have a fridge stocked with food that is compatible with this. But . . .
- I might have bad feelings about eating
- I might have learned unhelpful thoughts about food
- I might subscribe to values that don’t value physical needs and desires
- The food that is manufactured might not suit my needs or values.
Even something as simple as choosing lunch can get complicated.
The best way to handle this complexity and arrive at wholeness I think is to play and experiment. Prioritising and planning come later – once we know the situation and our preferences.
Being Split
Being split is quite usual – and we usually move through it. But sometimes we make ourselves split or keep ourselves this way. This is usually experienced as frustrating. We may feel hopeless, or angry or sad. There are versions of morality that value this situation – that we fight a hopeless battle with stoicism or ‘rise above’ it. (You can tell that this isn’t my kind of morality can’t you.)
“Controlling” Our Emotions
When we ‘control’ our emotions we are usually putting ourselves into this situation of being split. And it isn’t pleasant.
We usually do this because we disprove of one emotion (the usual is anger, though sexual desire is still commonly devalued also – and for men, sadness) or sometimes of all of them (“don’t be too emotional”, “you’re over-reacting” – but how much is enough?). Sometimes it is because we believe our emotions ‘get in the way’ of a goal or preference that we have (to have a relationship without disagreements, taking time away from a project or whatever).
But our emotions are part of us. If we ignore them they don’t go away (though we do learn to ignore them – and develop particular rigidities (muscular and otherwise) as a result). We just end up continually split – and so we have the experience of always feeling hopeless or angry or frustrated or sad. At least in the background and often enough in the foreground too. This is what we do to ourselves when we ‘control’ our emotions.
Just Venting Is No Better
“Controlling” our emotions creates misery because we are whole beings of whom our emotions are a part. Just venting our emotions creates misery because we are whole beings of whom our emotions are only one part.
It is not ‘right’ to voice whatever we feel or think. It may well be right to express our feelings in a way other than what first occurs to us.
- We may have another feeling – such as caution
- We may have learnt that one way of expressing a feeling doesn’t work in one situation or with a particular person
- We may have values about how emotion should be expressed (without violence, or with directness, or creatively, or subtly and so on).
- We are part of relationships where some emotions are received better when expressed in some ways than in others.
A metaphor that works for me is that emotion is not to be dammed but to be channelled. If we dam it usually there comes a time when we ‘go over the top’ and there is this powerful flood that can be destructive. If we don’t channel it then our emotions get scattered and don’t help us live attentively and effectively.
In my experience the best way to find how to do this is by playing and experimenting in a safe place. This may mean on your own. It may mean in a therapy group or with a group of friends.
The Gifts of Our Emotions
1. The first gift our emotions have for us is information. Our emotions are spontaneous evaluations of our situation.
- Fear means we perceive danger
- Anger means we feel something precious to us is threatened
and so on.
This doesn’t mean this evaluation is always correct. But it is information that is worth taking account of.
2. The second gift is energy. Any emotion is our energy organised to a purpose.
- Anger is the energy to defend
- Fear is the energy to fight, freeze or flee
- Sadness is energy organised to let go of something
and so on.
When our feeling is expressed satisfactorily there is energy in what we are doing.
- When curious and free to investigate
- When angry and free to oppose
- When sad and free to withdraw or cry
- When aroused and able to approach the person we like
then we have energy, we are acting whole and experience a quality of vibrancy. When we can’t express our emotion satisfactorily we experience more or less misery or frustration.
Which is why I think ‘controlling’ our emotions is a rotten idea.
I do realise that this goes against some common ideas (even in the world of self development). Disagreement is welcome. And so is agreement. Do you feel that you are able to express your emotions? – or perhaps some and not others. I would like know how well you get on with your emotions, let me know in the comments.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: control, emotion, self development, wholeness
What I Don’t Know
Who will make the changes that they want to make is mysterious.
It is not the degree of trauma.
Some people with horrific trauma make the changes. Some of those who grew up in very good circumstances don’t.
It is not degree of education.
Some of those with little education make the changes, others with lots of education remain stuck.
As far as I can tell there is no predictor of who will make the changes they want to make. In my experience neither:
- gender,
- age,
- culture, nor,
- religious affiliation,
makes any difference to who makes the changes that they want to make.
What I Do Know
Here is what I know about the process of change:
It is about ‘acceptance’.
It is about meaning.
1. Acceptance
By acceptance I don’t mean thinking that awful experiences are somehow good or right. By “acceptance” I don’t mean approval. I mean acknowledging that the situation is as it is.
Whatever change I want to make begins with me where I am.
When I want to change there is a reason. It is worth knowing what the reason is and what it is that I want to change.
I may find that the reason I want to change isn’t one I am happy with.
- I may find that what I thought was a chosen goal is just running to a script from my childhood.
- Or I may find that it is an excellent reason – that it aligns with a worthwhile value.
And it helps to be clear on what the change is that I want. If it is general – to be happier, less miserable and so on, then I need to get more detailed and behavioural: to break down this bigger change into smaller steps. For instance to be happier could mean:
- Learning to listen better so my relationships have more personal depth to them
- Finding a new job
- Retraining so I am qualified for the kind of work I want
- Starting a small business online as a first step to creating an income from business not the job I hate
- Doing some therapy to come to peace with my childhood
- Joining a social activism group that brings the change I want to see in the world.
The change will mean dealing with my situation too. Wherever I am has its possibilities and limitations. Knowing what these are saves time and effort. The trick is that we only really find out by making changes.
“If you want to know how the system operates; try and change it.” – Kurt Lewin
We sometimes find out that what we thought would be easy is surprisingly difficult or what we thought would be a major hurdle turns out to be no problem at all.
The best approach I think is to be clear about the guesses we make and we will then know when the surprises come up. When we are trying something new (and any major change will usually involve lots of new things) there’s lots we don’t know. So we take a guess and see how we go. The need to reassess is expected when trying new things.
This is what I mean by ‘acceptance’ – having a sense of who we are, what we want and where we are; and being willing to learn as we go.
What to do?
Try asking these questions:
What is it I want different?
Where do I sense it in my body?
How will I and my situation be different after the change
What can I do to contribute to this?
What resources do I have to draw on?
What problems do I expect to encounter?
What is a small and easy thing to begin making the change before I go to sleep tonight?
2. Meaning
A major change means a change in our understanding – we come to understand something differently.
- We may discover we did feel an emotion but we tensed to stop expressing it.
- We may discover that people who we thought were nice were selfish and abusive.
- We may discover that we have far more virtues and abilities than we realised.
Making a major change means seeing ourselves and our situation differently. With a very big change this may mean that we feel that we simply aren’t the same person anymore (which can lead to problems if we have a spouse: not only did someone else marry our spouse; our spouse also married someone that we no longer are.).
It helps to make a change when we know ‘what it is about’.
What to do?
Here are some suggestions to get you started on finding ‘what it is about’ for you.
- Tell your life story as a simple narrative. You could make it a fairy tale (begin with, “Once upon a time there was born a boy/girl . . .), or see it as a movie, or imagine yourself in old age in a rocking chair on your verandah recounting it to some children.
- You can also tell your story by finding some symbolic movements.
- Make a mindmap or diagram of you in your situation. Tease out what you think are the relevant factors and indicate how they relate to each other.
- Imagine a conversation with a Wise Being. Tell them about who you are, where you are and what you want. Allow them to comment and ask questions. (Or you can imagine yourself talking to someone who you know to be a good listener and wise guide.)
This is what I know about making the changes that we want to make. I’d like to hear from you what has helped you to make the changes you want to make. I would love to hear what you have learned in the comments.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: acceptance, change, meaning, self development
There is usually an issue at the core of our lives.
Sometimes we don’t know what it is. Sometimes we do.
In my case I didn’t.
I had spent my life trying to be good at stuff. I had investigated a couple of areas I loved and learned stuff about them. I was an OK student – far from brilliant but OK.
I had usually been happy with this way of living. The drawback had been that I tended to be at one remove from most things I did. I tended to want to do well at what I was doing; so tended to observe while doing rather than doing what I was doing fully.
I did have moments of spontaneity and these were sometimes moments of exhilaration.
What hadn’t occurred to me (until someone did my TA script with me) that my concern to be good at things was a way to get something. And what I wanted to get was acceptance.
The impact of this on me was quite deep.
Fortunately after the session where I realised this I was travelling and on my own and then at home and could be quiet. I said almost nothing for three days as this realisation sunk in.
What I’m suggesting is that, if you have an ongoing issue that you keep coming back to, there may be a deeper issue.
How could you know?
1. Ask yourself, “How will I feel when I am free of this issue, or when I am successful?”
2. Think what it would mean to a child. If a child had the same issue as you – how would you advise them? (Pretend the child is primary school to start with so they can understand words.)
For me it was self acceptance. What was it for you that helped you get to the core of who you are? Or, what do you suspect it might be? Let me know in the comments.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: self acceptance, self development
Self development can start to feel like a serious business. Living authentically can sound heavy.
It’s good to giggle. Laughter can bring a sense of proportion and lightness.
Focusing on our goals, necessary to be sure, can make us awfully tunnel visioned. Fun lets our focus widen.
It Sounds Strange to Say: “Work at bringing more humour into your life”.
But I think it is true.
This is something I’m not terribly good at. I was a quiet child – as I look back I think I was puzzled and solemn. I still am drawn to serious things (like transformation, self development and so on). So here are some serious suggestions for having more fun.
What to do
1. A spiritual practise can bring a sense of non-attachment and lightness.
- Meditation is growing in popularity,
- prayer and ritual can break the hold of the everyday,
- journalling is a way to process our experience and help us move on from it.
2. Moving your body.
- Getting out for a walk rather than sitting and thinking.
- Or some physical activity you enjoy – dancing, sport, whatever.
- Even just moving from one room to another.
3. Funny books.
These are very hard to find in my experience. I love P G Wodehouse (it is all the same – if you don’t like one you probably won’t like any; but at his best he is hilarious).
4. Funny movies. These are easier to find I think.
5. When worried: exaggerate and catastrophise until you laugh (not if you have problems with anxiety).
6. Take a minute just to think funny thoughts:
- imagine turning an object upside down and seeing how it could be used, or
- imagine changing the social rules of your group.
It is good to be efficient and clear. It is important to know our values and live them. And it is great to have fun too!
What do you do to have fun? Also if you know of any funny authors I would like to know them. Let me know in the comments.
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I want to know what your biggest pains or passions about living an authentic life are, or about self development.
I hope to write a great book on self development and living authentically and this is the kind of information that I need to write it.
I wrote this post about it which will give you more detail and where you can leave your comments.
To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
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Tags: fun, living authentically, self development
Discovering Purpose is a self development blog authored by Ayo Olaniyan. I’m a subscriber and also contributor to Ayo’s monthly Life Skills Magazine.
For the small effort of submitting your email address you can get a magazine with several great posts about self development. Including one by yours truly.
You can go here to subscribe. I think you will be glad you did, Evan.














