This post is very much me thinking out loud. It’s main purpose is to ask for your thoughts and inputs.
I grew up in Evangelical Christianity and in some ways this suited me fine – it was heady and wordy.
I always had problems with it’s kind of spirituality though. It didn’t focus on outcomes, and it didn’t really have a way to falsify it – you were meant to keep doing stuff that didn’t do much just because it was the right thing to do. It wasn’t wholistic either (it didn’t have much place for bodily experience, and little positive place for emotion).
So, I started just writing in my journal about what took my interest in passages I read in the Bible. Which lead me to exploring lots of other ways of doing spirituality. And these spiritualities included the emotional and physical.
Usually though these other spiritualities didn’t sit well with me either. So I let them go. And I have since focused on relating to people in depth and journalling whenever I feel the need. Which are the two ways I have had my most spiritual experiences.
I think I have finally realised what my problem with the other spiritualities was. It was that they relied on regularity – doing the same thing each day or week. Most spiritual practices seem to presume this. Whether physical ones (like yoga, qi gong) or verbal ones (daily pages) or prayer or rituals of various kinds.
This clashes with my inclination to live my life as a series of projects. Some topic captures my interest, I explore it, and then finish with it and move on to the next interest. I don’t know if my inclination is ‘the problem’ and I just need to modify it (I don’t find it too much of an imposition to have regular meal times or to go for a walk each day) or whether I need to adjust the spiritual practises on offer.
I can see the value of daily practise for the forms that use bodily movement – habituating our bodies to these things could be helpful.
So, I’d like to hear your thoughts about this.
- Have you a spiritual practise that you find helpful? Can you say what it is that you find helpful about it?
- Do you understand my problem? I haven’t seen it written about so it may not be a common one.
- Do you find regularity important and helpful for your spirituality? Or do you struggle with routine – and if so do you find this a good or bad thing?
Very much looking forward to hearing your thoughts and experience in the comments.
Coming soon the living authentically email course. Forty daily reminders to check in with yourself. Stay tuned.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: disciplines, regularity, rituals, routines, Spirituality
INTRODUCTION
This is the second in a series of longer posts that go in depth into one particular contribution to self development. The first one was on the contribution of gestalt psychotherapy to self development.
The central concern of Viktor Frankl was with meaning. And this started early. There is a story that during a school class, when the science teacher said that people were a collection of chemicals and processes that he stood up and said: But what would be the meaning?
If you have heard of Frankl it will be because of his book Man’s Search for Meaning – and probably the first part – the story of his imprisonment in a Nazi death camp (the second part is an explanation of the various terms used in logotherapy).
During his time in the camp Frankl observed that, of those not killed by the Nazi’s, some people survived and others gave up and committed suicide. What’s more it wasn’t necessarily the young and fit who survived – it was those who had something to live for. It was those who had a meaning – and this could make the difference between life and death.
Meaning
Viktor Frankl practised as both a medical doctor (he made contributions to neurology) and a psychiatrist. He was a very gifted man.
In psychiatry he insisted that meaning was another dimension to the usual ones in psychodynamic psychiatry. That is your thoughts and feelings could be fine but you could still be dissatisfied.
For instance, you may be proceeding successfully to achieve your goals, have satisfying relations with others, express your feelings in satisfying ways – and still not be happy. Because what you are doing is not meaningful to you. You may discover that you have been living someone else’s agenda or that the ladder you were climbing was against the wrong wall.
Logotherapy
Viktor Frankl’s therapy (logotherapy) is directed to dealing with problems caused by lack of meaning. He did not think logotherapy was a general psychotherapy – it was specifically to deal with crises of meaning.
“Logotherapy” comes from the greek word ‘logos’ – which Frankl translated as ‘meaning’ (I’m not sure that he was right about this). So logotherapy is healing meaning or healing through meaning.
The Meaning of My Life
Frankl insisted that meaning was individual. There is no ‘meaning of life’; there is ‘the meaning of my life’. That is we each have some kind of vocation – something that we individually and specifically contritute to the world.
For Frankl the part of us that is concerned with meaning is our spirit. And he believed that spirit remained healthy despite what happened to a person and that spirit (and so conscience) separated people from all the other living creatures.
I am not sure that our spirit always remains healthy despite what happens to us. However, I do think that it can remain healthy in people who have been through horrendous abuse. I have seen this for myself. And for those with ‘fragmented personalities’, such as those diagnosed with Dissociative Identity Disorder, integration is possible. In healing Dissociative Identity Disorder a part of the person can be called called their ‘core’ or ‘the integrator’. This is somehow a ‘different part’ of the person that is ‘beyond’ the different parts. I think this kind of healing experience is good evidence that we do have an aspect of our experience like what Frankl called “spirit”.
I think Frankl was wrong about conscience being uniquely human. I think that a rudimentary conscience is seen in other higher animals like dogs, dolphins, apes and so on. (For me the uniquely human is our symbolic life – no other creature exhibits our concern with story or mathematics or making art simply to communicate their thoughts, feelings and meanings.)
FUNDAMENTAL PROPOSITIONS
- Our basic motivation is meaning. People will do what is not pleasurable, or even painful, if it has to do with their meaning.
This gets tricky. Those who believe that pleasure is our motivator talk about delayed gratification: the thought of more pleasure enables us to endure short-term pain or loss for the sake of greater gain or pleasure. They could also (though I haven’t seen them do this) distinguish different kinds of pleasure and have a ‘higher pleasure’ displace a ‘lower pleasure’ – along the lines of Maslow’s Hierarchy.
For instance, much of parenting can be tiring. Getting up and caring for a sick child in the middle of the night is far from pleasurable. Frankl would say that parenting is part of the parent’s meaning and so momentary pleasure is set aside for the meaning. Those who think we are motivated by pleasure, would say that telling ourselves we are a good parent who does what parents should do is more pleasurable than staying in bed, and so getting up and attending to our sick child is more pleasurable than staying in bed.
I’m not sure it is possible to finally sort out this argument. My guess is that the explanation we prefer depends on our temperament and ideas about other things.
My own view is that Frankl is closer to the reality. Parents are more likely to be motivated by a spontaneous care than a rational calculation of pleasure (even an unconscious one. And when motivation can be unconscious things get very tricky.).
The important thing I think is to note that our motivation can go well beyond momentary pleasure. That we are capable of setting aside our own concerns for some time and caring for others and that this can be deeply satisfying.
- While we are conscious we are free to choose. This doesn’t mean that we are free to do anything – it means that we are free to choose what we do in a particular situation.
Situations vary. In one situation there may be lots of possibilities in another very few. However, we always have the final freedom to choose what attitude we adopt to, and in, any situation. Frankl calls this ‘the freedom of the will’.
- Life has Meaning (or my life is meaningful)
That is (contrary to much thought in self development) life has meaning in itself – we do not assign whatever meaning we want to whatever we desire to. Frankl talks of life having a ‘demand characteristic’ – life is ‘bigger than us’ and ‘asks something of us’. And what is asked of us is specific in any particular situation.
This raises lots of thorny philosophical issues. Even if I could resolve them (I’m not sure I can – though I do have my views) it would take much more space than I have in this post.
My own view is that there are times when we discover a value or aspect of the world. We don’t deliberately set out to make something in a particular way – we find that it is this way. We are surprised by the beauty of the sunset. We are drawn to one artist’s work. We discover a particular kind of music.
These are experiences that embrace all of us. They happen immediately and with all of us. This is quite different to the experience of deliberate choosing. Sitting down and allocating our available finances to our budget, planning in which order to tackle a project – all these kinds of things can be important to achieving our tasks and realising what is meaningful to us. Perhaps we could say that in this situation we are making these activities meaningful – adding up the sums matters to us because it is an essential part of realising an important project. But these type of experiences have a different quality to discovering a song that expresses exactly a longing we didn’t even fully realise we had.
An Illustration (Cathedral Building)
This is an often used illustration (this is my version). A person works past three people laying bricks and asks each what they are doing.
The first says: laying bricks
The second says: building a wall
The third says: building a cathedral to the glory of god.
This is to make the point that our understanding of what we are doing affects our experience of it. The conclusion drawn is that if we assign a big meaning (building a cathedral) to a mundane task (laying bricks) then our experience of that task will be enriched.
But
The third person did not say: I have decided to view my mundane task as having a higher purpose. For someone to do this would mean training themselves into a particular kind of thinking and doing – they would treat themselves and their project as the subject of rational calculation and control.
To say that ‘I have decided to assign meaning to this task’ is a different statement to ‘this task is important to me’. The experience of deliberately choosing is different to the experience of discovering a value in the task or object.
The third person in the illustration, it seems to me, experiences the meaning as being in the task – not something they have assigned to it. It is an experience of all of themselves – and so is not experienced as fretful, however much hard work laying bricks is. They discover the meaning in the task itself – perhaps even discovering it afresh with each days labour finished or even with each brick layed.
Whether we want to go all the way with Frankl may be debatable; but I do think we need to reserve a place for this experience of ‘discovery of meaning’.
Unavoidable Suffering
If life has meaning in itself then life is always meaningful – even in the worst of situations (unavoidable suffering).
It is essential to say that it is important to know that the suffering is unavoidable. If suffering can be avoided then it should be. Frankl was a doctor and was believed that suffering should be alleviated wherever and whenever possible. But sometimes it can’t be. What are we to tell those who endure unavoidable suffering? Are we to say that this experience is somehow beyond them? That it is not to have any meaningful part in their life? This is hardly comforting or useful to them.
I think it is important to see finding meaning in unavoidable suffering as a possibility that is offered not a “should” that is imposed. The meaning is discovered not invented or imposed. (I think this perspective being imposed is quite awful – and results in the kind of experiences that Barbara Ehrenreich talks so eloquently about in Bright Sided – all that ‘positive thinking’ can be a way of avoiding very real suffering and can easily end up in blaming the victim.)
SELF DEVELOPMENT AND THE MEANING OF YOUR LIFE
Firstly I want to say that meaning doesn’t need to be grand. It usually isn’t. My big picture is something like “I am here to shed light” – and for now that means trying to write this post, about something I think is important, and doing it as clearly as I can, so people will hopefully find it easy to use to live a more satisfying life.
Secondly, not all of us relate to the big picture. Some of us work ‘from the ground up’. You can find what is meaningful for you by watching your reactions. You don’t have to start with the big picture. You can start with, “Well, I know that [x] gets my attention every time”, or, “I don’t know why but I am fascinated by [x]”.
Having said that, what is the contribution of Frankl and logotherapy to self development; how can they help you live a more satisfying life?
- It can give you somewhere to look if you aren’t clear on why you are unhappy. If you are feeling like, “But I have a great life, lots of people would envy the life I have, so how can I be unhappy?” it gives you a place to look.
- It can help with making choices. When the rational way of making decsions – weighing up pro’s and con’s and prioritising and so on – don’t work we have an alternative. We can decide in alignment with what is meaningful to us.
- It can bring a sense of purpose or joy or satisfaction that lasts endures most things (maybe not all). When we are connected with our purpose, when we have a sense of our own meaning, this gives us something that can stay with us through most of the tough times, and while we are doing things we don’t enjoy. It adds an extra dimension to our lives.
- It can help when we are overwhelmed by our feelings or confused by our thoughts. It can help us cut through the thoughts or feelings and it can help us to know that there is something else beyond our thoughts and feelings.
- It can give you a sense of the story of your life and where you want to head in the future.
SOME IDEAS ON HOW TO FIND THE MEANING OF YOUR LIFE
These are just meant to be places to start and they are give different options for different people. I don’t mean for anyone to try all of them (unless you want to – it could be fun).
- Writing. Write your life as a fairy tale. Start with, “Once upon a time . . .” and then just write quickly without giving yourself time to stop and edit. Just keep writing until you feel you have come to an end. If you write an unhappy ending, write a happy one as an alternative (once again do this quickly without giving yourself time to edit). What title would you give to this fairy tale? What is the story of your life?
- Moving. Take a moment to check in with your body. Note where the tight spots are. Then just begin to move, see what feels good and which movements you enjoy. Explore different ways to move and what feels good. When you have a sense of how you want to move, find movements that come from the core of who you are. If you want to you can put these movements into a dance – the dance of you. How is it that you want to move through your world/your life?
- Drawing. Take a pencil and paper. Close your eyes and draw something that represents you. It could be a representation of your body or face, it could be an object or a particular kind of line. Open your eyes and look at what you have done. Take note of your reactions.
- Is there something you like?
- Something you dislike?
- Something you want to change?
- Something you would like to add?
- Take some time to sit with your reactions and be curious about what they say about how you see yourself. Then make any changes that you wish to the drawing. Then sit with your reaction to the changes you have made. You can do this as many times as you like. You will probably end up with a representation of who you are and what matters to you. (It may not be ‘artistic’ or understandable to anyone else but that is not the point of this exercise.)
- Relating. Take a moment to recall your most intense experiences with others. Make a good sized list – say ten. For each item on the list sum up the impact this experience had on you and how it has shaped who you are and/or how you live. You will probably find a theme that runs through these incidents. It is likely that your meaning will be related to this theme (perhaps your response to it if some or all of the incidents are negative).
- Ask yourself: What is life asking of me? If you get an intense reaction – elation, disgust, anger, fear, shame, whatever – this is a sign you are on the right track.
The single best source for logotherapy is a podcast by Marshall Lewis called Logotalk. Start with the earlier talks where Marshall gives a great introduction to the basic philosophies and applications of logotherapy. If you are a therapist Marshall offers a course in logotherapy for professional development units.
Viktor Frankl and logotherapy I think add a much needed dimension to self development. I hope you find their contribution important to you, I do.
If you have encountered Frankl and his work before I would love to know what impact it has had on you. If you haven’t heard of Frankl and his work before: What part of this post had the most impact on you? Let me know in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: Frankl, logotherapy, meaning, self development, suffering, Viktor Frankl
Yours truly is featured in this month’s Life Skills Magazine, edited and partly authored by the always polite and gracious Ayo.
For the price of your email address you get not only me but also get lots from others too,
- from, the six core values of a hustler, to,
- stuart mills on experiencing happiness with less, to,
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- barbara zarella on how to make you dreams come true.
And more besides. It is a rich and diverse collection.
So head over to Discovering Purpose, register with your email address and you’ll get this and each monthly edition of Life Skills Magazine for free.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: Life Skills Magazine
One of the common quotes in self development is attributed to Henry Ford,
Whether you think you can or think you can’t; you are right. [I haven't been able to find a source. The wording varies slightly but this is the most common form.]
I think there is important truth in this statement. Most of the people I have met, it seems to me, are capable of far more than they believe. There are various reasons for this,
- Lack of resources they can access,
- Lack of experiences or information – they don’t know what has already been done,
- Lack of experiences or information – so they don’t have a way to do it or get to where they want to be,and, as Henry points out,
- Not knowing or believing what they are capable of.
The thing we can do something about immediately is our beliefs about our selves. Dealing with the outside world can take longer and involve others. But we can always deal with us – “wherever I go, behold; there I am”.
But how?
The problem with these inaccurate beliefs is that they are unconscious. If they were conscious they wouldn’t be such a problem.
So we do need to get ‘unrealistic’ and imaginative. Because what is ‘realistic’ is within our beliefs. There are different ways to do this:
- Imagine a perfect day for you – from waking up, to who you would talk to, to what you would do, with as much detail as possible. Imagine it with all your senses. However, this can lead to us imagining what we would do for just one day – and we wouldn’t want to be on holiday every day perhaps.
- So, try imagining your perfect week, month and year. This takes some time and work. Plan it out – fill in the calendar. And, this is very important, take note of where you leave blanks and what you fill in automatically. These blanks and spaces that get filled in are what is most important. It is these that reveal our beliefs. Paying attention to these things is not easy. It may help to talk them over with other people to get beyond your own beliefs. Don’t be surprised if strong feelings come up for you – you can deal with them when you are ready, just acknowledge how deeply you believe some things.
- Imagine the place where you are able to move entirely freely. What would the space be like? Would you be alone? Would others be there? If others are there; are they particular people? How would you relate to the people there and them to you?
- Write “I believe . . . “ at the top of a piece of paper and answer it as many times as you can – you may need several pieces of paper. You may be surprised by some things that you find yourself writing. These are the especially important ones. Mark them in some way – circle them or put a star around them or something.
- Imagine someone from a different culture, that you are familiar with, and list their beliefs. Or think of someone you know from a culture different to the one you grew up in, and list what you know of their beliefs.
Beliefs Aren’t Automatically Wrong
The purpose of these exercises is to help you be aware of what your beliefs are. You can then decide which you agree with and which you don’t; which you want to keep and which you want to discard.
The Upside of Beliefs
Because beliefs often lead us to living lives that are more confined, frustrated and miserable than they need to be, it is tempting to conclude they are bad. I think this is a mistake.
If we can do anything at all, it is hard to know where to start. If we have to test all our beliefs, which one do we test first? So we either take some guesses about ourselves and the world, or, more usually, we act from our beliefs about ourselves and the world.
The problem comes when our beliefs are wrong. It is very hard to become aware of this for ourselves (though it may be starkly obvious to others). And we may want to keep our beliefs even if they are ‘unrealistic’. It is important to build a better future even though there is no evidence that a better future is possible (it is awfully hard to have evidence about what hasn’t happened yet).
Our beliefs help us get started and guide us in what we choose to do.
Testing Our Beliefs
Our beliefs are an important part of living a satisfying life. Often they keep us from the satisfaction that is available to us. The problem here I think is usually that we are not aware of our beliefs.
Once we have some awareness of what they are we can examine them. Some we will have developed in childhood and will be wildly unrealistic.
- If you have a belief that fits the frame: All . . . . . . . . . . . . are . . . . . . . ., it needs examining closely. Beliefs that fit this frame are often unrealistic. When you find that you have a belief that fits this frame spend five minutes for looking for exceptions to it. Take note of any feelings you have that you still want to believe it, even though you have evidence that it is wrong.
Other beliefs make good sense of our experience, still others we may want to keep even though we may little (or no) evidence for them. Some, like the belief that a better world is possible, we may want to keep even though evidence may be lacking.
Have you had the experience of finding one of your beliefs is wrong. What was it like? Pleasant or nauseating? Liberating and frightening? I would like to hear what it was like for you when dealing with one of your beliefs. Let me know in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: beliefs, testing our beliefs, the benefits of beliefs, the limitations of beliefs, unconscious beliefs
I have been thinking about my father, and his generation, and the version of masculinity that formed them. My way of dealing with this is in terms of a myth.
Superman needs to be invisible to survive.
Clark Kent is the perfect gentleman – unobtrusive, polite, non-assertive, never angry. While Superman dominates by his strength and radiates charisma – his character and integrity on display for approval.
These two modes are signalled by costume. The bland and anonymous business suit, and the boldly coloured body suit.
What would happen if Superman in his body suit walked into the Daily Planet? People would need to defer to him or ignore him – relating to him as a normal person (sitting down for a chat over a coffee) would be strange, uncomfortable, disconcerting.
In the myth it is presumed that those in The City to some extent rely on Superman’s protection. Gratitude is appropriate. Though the superman would never be pleased with himself. He takes no glory in his deeds – no pleasure in his achievement of what he believes to be right. Clark/superman share an ethic or modesty and restraint (backed by violence).
The superman is an isolated individual. His usefulness to society relies on his not being known for who he is. The superman is condemned to loneliness. Clark can’t let even his best friends know who he truly is.
The man of steel can’t let his secret be known. This would make him vulnerable. And his usefulness in combating threats to social order would be at an end.
Concluding Thoughts
- I do think it is true that women are the first victims of the patriarchy.
- I think men come a close second.
- I think it is time to end the grandiosity and embrace our vulnerability.
All comments are most welcome. Do you have affection for the traditional male roles? Do you find them admirable or frightful? Both? Have you found them constricting or perhaps they have given you a useful figure to develop in relation to? I would love to hear your experience?
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: masculinity, patriarchy, vulnerability
Update: my father’s lung infection is gone now and we expect him home on Monday. Which has prompted me to be thinking about aging (I’m 52 and that is old enough to not be as young as I once was either). These thoughts started with the lines from Dylan Thomas, below, going ’round in my head.
The Welsh poet Dylan Thomas told his father,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Rage as an Affirmation of Life
Robert Hughes, and expatriate Australian, was involved in a traffic accident due to a drunk driver. He nearly died and tells us that he saw death (a bank clerk behind a desk whose mouth widened and was about to swallow him), at which point he felt this incredible upwelling of rage – that he would not die.
Perhaps fortunately most of us don’t experience this kind of primal rage often, if at all. We are familiar with rage as destructive but we don’t hear so much about it as a fundamental affirmation. To fight and not surrender even when we know we will die is a possibility that is open to us – and that can be a positive one (though it may not be).
Rage and Clinging
But it was Dylan making this statement not his father. From the tone I guess that Dylan’s father was more resigned or accepting to his death than Dylan wanted him to be. The rage is, at least partly, Dylan’s.
Dylan is clinging on to his father – he doesn’t want him to resign or accept but to fight.
I have had the opportunity of being around many old people in the last few years (mostly my parents’ friends – my parents are 87). Few of them rage at dying. Some are clinging on to past youth – sad that they can’t do what they once could. Others are impatient for their life to be over. The most poignant example of this came, not from a friend of my parents, but when I was working in a nursing home. One of the nurses I worked with was told by a patient,
I spent all night practising letting go – and then they come and give me pills.
Rage is an active engagement with what is going on. Clinging is attempting to hold on to what is past.
Clinging is understandable and may evoke compassion in us – but it is a sad business. And hopeless – even if noble. What we have done is permanent (it can’t be undone) and gone for good.
Memory and Identity
When we know that we will die soon and we have had a long life, it is natural to remember and reminisce. This too is an active engagement with our life. And may be an enjoyable pastime with others as well. Re-telling a familiar story can be a pleasure (and Hollywood and publishers profit handsomely from doing it).
What is sad is when we can’t be who we are – when we can only mourn that we are not who we once were. Old age is not the same as youth. Its pleasures and difficulties are different.
Old age asks us to develop our identity – to not cling on to an old one.
In our materialistic culture, obsessed with youthful looks and valuing people by what they can achieve, this is not easy to do. We are not encouraged to graciously accommodate our limitations – we are encouraged to fight and transcend them. Perhaps because, perhaps like Dylan, we don’t want to know that our loved ones will die – are dying.
Preciousness
But if we can have a sense of transience then we can also have a sense of the preciousness of life. This moment with a loved one can be treasured, this project we are working on can be worthwhile, we can have a sense of what we value. Hades, the Greek god of the underworld, was called the good counsellor – in light of death we can get a sense of proportion and what matters.
This leads to statements like,
“Who ever died wishing they had spend more time at the office?”.
Accept the Guidance of Your Aging
This is a common visualisation – but one worth doing.
Imagine you are sitting in a rocking chair surrounded by your grandchildren or young people. Imagine that you are speaking to them in an easy way, and that they are happy to sit and listen.
- What would you like to tell them of your life?
- What would you tell them that you value?
- What would you tell them to value?
- What instructions or advice would you give them?
Can you do one small thing to follow your own advice or instructions? (if you aren’t already).
If you would like to share the advice you give in the comments I would love to hear it, Evan.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Hi Folks, my father is in hospital with a mild chest infection. So I’ll visiting and doing other organisational things probably for a day or two. Apologies if you contact me and I don’t get back to you for a while.
Hope life is going well with you, Evan.
The authentic is simple and sometimes easy; hiding is complicated and usually hard.
If we know ourselves and our situation (have authenticity) then our life is simple. Sometimes creativity is required to thrive in our situation but usually a fit between ourselves and our situation is simple. I say what I want, I organise myself to move in the direction I want, and so on. Usually this is easy.
When we are hiding life is complicated. The people who need to live a life of hiding need to constantly monitor themselves and their behaviour. This is complicated. And exhausting.
The groups I think of as usually needing to hide are: gays in a homophobic culture; people with addictions (especially illegal ones); people who, usually due to childhood trauma, believe that no one will like them if they know who they are and what happened to them. These people have complicated and hard lives. Through no fault of their own. However, there are usually things they can do to find greater ease (at least feeling good about themselves, even if they can’t change their culture or move to a more desirable one).
So why don’t we go for the simple and easy? I think there are four reasons.
1. NO ONE TOLD US WE CAN
A lot of children’s lives are about fitting into the adult world. They are often not consulted about what suits them. And so we grow up being trained not to do this. Likewise children are usually ‘trained’ rather than ‘educated’. They are told ‘do this’ rather than being shown how to investigate their situation and figure out what is going on.
Which means that as adults it may not occur to us to be in touch with who we are and what we want nor to look at what our environment is like. There are even ‘moralities’ that advocate being unkind to ourselves and ignoring our situation. This usually goes under the heading of ‘discipline’, ‘persevering’, being a ‘responsible adult’ and so on.
To get a detailed sense of this recall you childhood in detail:
- Remember back to your childhood and make a list of what you were told to do.
- Remember the times your questions were dismissed.
- Recall the examples your authority figures set for being in touch with their own needs and preferences.
- How were your food preferences responded too?
- Do you have a sense that your sleep rhythm was responded to – even if it wasn’t discussed – or were you expected to fit in around other’s routines?
- What interests and pursuits were encouraged or frustrated?
2. NO ONE SHOWED US HOW
- It can take time to know who we are and what we like.
- We find out what foods we like by trying different foods. There aren’t many shortcuts.
- We learn about how to organise our time by trying different ways and making adjustments.
- We find the kind of work we like by doing different stuff.
There are three ways I know to do this.
Learning From Your Own Experience.
At it’s simplest the formula is action and reflection. To reflect on whether our experience is satisfying or not and not what we think we can change or improve. I’m someone who understands through words, so I use journalling as my of reflecting. There are lots of others -
- talking things over with someone
- walking and thinking
- some kinds of meditation or contemplation
- mind-maps
- making a model – perhaps out of lego or plasticine – something that is easy to manipulate is probably best.
Using Generalisations About Experience.
There are various systems for dividing people and their experience into types and categories. When you find a generalisation about you that works, then you can use it to guide what is likely to work for you in a new situation.
The two I find most generally useful are Myers-Briggs and Transactional Analysis (TA). You will find lots of posts about these elsewhere on this blog.
Learning From Other’s Experience.
Whether from books or other media or through personal conversations or watching others in action.
A few cautions about learning from other’s experience.
- Copy what people do – not what they say they do or did. People don’t always know why they are successful.
- Look for the reason – educate yourself don’t train yourself. Know why you do what you do. Make sure you see the connection between your behaviour and its results.
- If you are attracted to a person or way of doing things it is good to know why. Being attracted to someone’s charisma or a system’s thoroughness may divert us from what we need to know.
- For learning from others to work you need people who are enough like you in a situation enough like yours. The more different you are and your situation is, the less useful is learning from others. It may be more worthwhile to consider developing your own approach. If you put ‘creativity’ into the search box on this blog (top right in the sidebar) you will find some guidance to get you started doing this.
- Ask: Would this work for me? It may not fit you as a person or the situation you are in. No two people and no two situations are entirely identical.
To investigate learning about yourself and your situation ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I found a process for reflecting on my experience (it may be quite a structured meditation or as informal as a chat).
- Have I a sense of my own style of preferred style (intense or relaxed, structured or loose, casual or formal)?
- Have I found ways of understanding that work for me? Could you use them more?
- Who have I learned from? Try stating clearly what you learned from them.
- What could I know that would improve my life? Where could you learn this?
- Are there books or courses that have changed my life? In what way did they change you?
3. FEARS VARIOUS
Usually we are afraid that if we let people know who we really are that something terrible will happen.
This is possible. It is good to listen to our fear – it may be alerting us to danger. The world is not an entirely safe place. Not all people are entirely trustworthy. It can be useful to listen when our intuition tells us to not do something or go somewhere or say yes to something.
It can be useful to be clear about what it is we fear. It may be that we are catastrophising. It is unlikely that ‘we will die of embarrassment’. It is likely that there are other candidates for the worst person on earth (I can name several politicians and dictators past and present who will easily qualify I think).
It is important I think to know that we are entitled to keep our secrets. The demand for complete openness belongs in the torture chamber not in a friendship or intimate relationship.
In my view people are entitled to not do dangerous things. If you don’t feel an environment is caring or safe then I think this is a good reason for not being vulnerable.
My experience is that when I have talked about myself I have found that people have been more accepting than I anticipated. This has lead to some of my most precious moments.
Usually it will be possible to check out what we fear in small and easy stages. Usually our fears can be faced fairly easily in small steps. If not then there are many programs and professionals who can offer you the support needed to address them.
Responding to fear.
- Do you have to do what you fear?
- If not: consider not doing it.
- If so do your best to find a way to make it pleasurable or at least easy. Most things are ‘a cinch inch by inch’. See if there is a step forward about which you feel, “Oh, I can do that (or that much)!” and then do this little bit. Then do it again and again until you have another step about which you feel, “Oh, I can do that!”
- See if you can catch yourself ignoring or suppressing your fear.
- Can you recall times when it would have been helpful to listen to your fear? Can you recall times when it would have been better not to? Are there lessons to be learned about when it is good to and when not?
4. NOT FACING THE BLANK
There is an idea that we ‘fear the unknown’. This is wrong – what we fear is the fantasies that we fill the unknown with.
However being confronted with a blank is a problem.
We may feel very uncomfortable and anxious. And we may not know (because we have never been told – much less shown) that this experience will pass. If we can simply keep breathing (without tensing to try and suppress the feeling) we will find that this experience comes and goes and eventually diminishes – fifteen minutes will usually be enough for noticeable change to occur.
When we feel uncomfortable and anxious the usual thing is to do what we know how to do. But this is how we got here in the first place. When we are wanting authenticity what we know how to do is usually more or less fake.
When we are doing something new we won’t be sure how to do it. And usually we won’t do it well the first time (it is OK to learn and improve).
When we stay with the blank a few times we learn that something happens. It may be embarrassingly obvious or quite new.
For me the embarrassingly obvious is usually that I am concerned with being shown to be incompetent. (This is one of my themes.)
Sometimes by talking over a recurring problem I have I am struck by a flash of the blindingly obvious. Sometimes a new and simple way to do something, sometimes by an insight like: Well, who says I have to do that anyway?!
To confront this hardcore, do improv. After a while you get the idea that the mistakes and stuff ups are part of it all. And that if you wait ideas come and you go with them – some work, some don’t. And you can laugh about the mistakes and keep going. And that trying to plan out what you will do doesn’t work. And that moments or exhilarating brilliance happen.
For an easier path, just keep breathing. If it is a recurring blank for you then sit with it for five breaths today, six tomorrow, seven the day after, and so on. Notice that you got through it each time and reward yourself for this each time.
To face the blank:
- Recall times when you have run out of options. What did you do at these times? Have you generally done the same thing or tried lots of different things?
- I tend to sit and reflect. Sometimes it is better to just do something/anything. Sometimes I may be better off if I tried doing some little thing.
- Can it be OK with you to learn? What would it take for you to be OK with not getting it right the first time?
- Is it OK for you to wait for inspiration? If not; what would it take for you to be OK with this?
- When faced with something new or unknown, just breathe.
4. WHAT WE GET
Why bother? Because authenticity is the path to satisfaction.
Authenticity is not a should – it is the observation that the way to live a satisfying life is to know ourselves and our needs, and the promises and problems in our environment. When we are clear about ourself and our situation then we have a better chance of getting our needs met where we are. We bother with authenticity because it leads us to a life with more moments of elated calmness in it.
These are my thoughts. I would like to hear yours. What has made it easy for you to be yourself and live in harmony with your situation? Looking forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Coming soon, the simplest possible way to begin living an authentic life. An email course of just one very brief reminder each day for forty days. Stay tuned.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: authenticity, easy, Fear, small steps
You don’t have to:
- Scare yourself
- Convince yourself that you like being scared
- Do what you don’t want to do
- Do what you are afraid of (because you are afraid of it)
- Move out of your comfort zone
- Do what you are uncomfortable with
- Convince yourself that you like being uncomfortable
- Take big steps because a guru tells you to
- Do anything else a guru tells you to
- Do anything anyone else (including me) tells you to
- Be a success to feel good about yourself
Why would someone want to do things that make them scared and uncomfortable?
- Because it has lead to the breakthrough they needed.
- Or it has had benefits that they haven’t found in another way.
- Or it fits a negative view they have of themselves
- Or they haven’t critically examined what a guru (or their parent/s) had to say
It isn’t the only way.
There are many people who have achieved success by taking small and easy steps. They include Riley Lee (a grandmaster of the Shakuhachi) and Bruce Frantzis (a high level martial artist). Bruce Frantzis formulation is “The 70% Rule” – don’t go to where you giving 100% – only do seventy percent: strain gets in the way of performance.
The Comfort in Being Uncomfortable
The comfort is that being uncomfortable gets familiar. People can get ‘antsy’ when something new isn’t going on. So they respond to their anxiety by getting uncomfortable. It is a distraction – the discomfort they provoke is to avoid dealing with a deeper issue. Perhaps the fear that they will be a failure if they don’t achieve.
A Better Way
People are capable of learning. We have few instincts compared to the other critters (the sucking and startle reflexes mostly) and so we learn just about everything we do – from walking to speaking to reading to sport to work to social etiquette . . . and on and on.
The best atmosphere for learning is supportive feedback. Not just telling the learner that whatever they do is wonderful (both the supporter and learner will know this isn’t true). Not linking the learners worth to their current performance (the point is to get better at what they are learning). Helping the learner discern when they have done well (some people denigrate what they do) and what it is they need to work on (in some ways this process never ends). We could call this ‘speaking the truth in love’. [Am I saying that schooling is often enough the opposite of what is best for learning? Yes, I am.]
Fear Impedes Learning
Learning means being able to engage with fully with the subject. If we are worried about being judged or scared then we are partly worrying about this – and we can’t fully focus on the what we want to learn – it is a distraction. Scaring ourselves, being uncomfortable are distractions from learning.
Learning is a process of increasing familiarity. We get comfortable with one aspect of a topic or one skill and then move on. Learning is a process of increasing comfort and relaxation.
When we have learned something (are comfortable and familiar with it) we move on to the next thing. Comfort and familiarity naturally lead to learning and growth. Being scared and uncomfortable get in the way. (This only applies to learning what you are interested in. If you are being forced to learn what is irrelevant to your experience for the sake of external rewards (all the different forms of gold stars awarded – teachers’ approval, financial success, awards from peers) this doesn’t apply.)
Self Development is a Process of Learning
Learning about:
- our thinking
- our emotions
- how to express anger in a way that doesn’t damage ourselves, others or the furniture
- how to receive the information our emotions have for us
- what is important to us
- how we learn
- how we want to relate to others
- how to be a good lover
- how to show care in a way that isn’t smothering
- how to do intimacy
- how to collaborate with others
- how business operates
- how to communicate
- what foods we thrive on
- what exercise is good for us
- how to bring desirable social change
and on and on.
Anything that can be learnt in a situation of fear and discomfort can be better and more easily learnt in a situation of supportive feedback.
The High
One of the benefits of scaring yourself is the high. The anxiety gives a rush. You don’t deal with what you are avoiding by scaring yourself but you do get some good feelings – the high.
Another way to get a good feeling is to pay attention to what it is you are avoiding. At its simplest just sit and breathe through it until you feel calm again. If this doesn’t work then find a good distraction until you can get other help (from friends or people you employ).
If you can find what it is you are avoiding and deal with it; you enjoy an elation from the energy that was bound up with avoiding whatever it was you were avoiding. (It takes energy to avoid stuff – when we don’t need to avoid it any more the energy is released.) This is far more helpful than the high from scaring yourself.
Small and Easy Steps
Self Development is a process of learning. If there is something you don’t understand then find an easy step to take. Then the next one, in this way you know that changing in the way you want to is easy and pleasurable. Which sounds like good motivation to continue.
Once you have found that the first few steps are easy, if you are like me you will want to take a big step or rush. Believe me when I say this is usually a waste of time and effort. It has taken me many failures and much wasted time and effort to learn. “Hasten slowly” is wise advice when you are learning something new.
What is the change you would like to make? What is one step on the path towards it – that you can do before you go to sleep tonight? I bet you will feel a little better for having done it.
I realise this approach is contrary to much of the advice in the self development blogosphere. What has been the most helpful things you have done on your self development journey? Looking forward to hearing from you in the comments.
Coming soon an email course of 40 reminders for authenticity. It is the easiest and simplest way I can think of to introduce the benefits of living authentically – to just spend a few breaths or a couple of minutes each day checking in with your experience. At the moment I am getting the technology sorted out. Stay tuned.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
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Tags: anxiety, authenticity, easy steps, Fear, feedback, learning, living authentically, self development, small steps, support, supportive feedback
Crass Historical Generalisations
I want to make some crass historical generalisations that I think are largely true.
- The feminine has been devalued in western thought. (I don’t know enough to comment about other cultures. I would love to hear from others about this. Personally I would especially like to hear from those with experience of cultures where yin and yang are prevalent.)
- The feminine has been equated with the private, weak and nurturing; the masculine with the public, strong and aggressive or violent.
- Most people most of the time throughout western history have experienced these generalisations as accurate.
- Many people most of the time still believe these generalisations have some accuracy.
- Many people believe there is a masculine and feminine that is a description and also a should – men are and should be masculine, women are and should be feminine.
Generalisations and Exceptions
Any generalisation has exceptions. And it is here that the shoulds sometimes come in. A generalisation can stay a useful description or it can become a should.
- “Most males are like this but some aren’t” or “Some men aren’t like this and should be”.
- “Most females are like this and some aren’t” or “Some women aren’t like this and should be”.
As an Australian academic I heard point out: The patriarchy doesn’t value maleness – it values masculine maleness. Effeminate maleness is not valued but denigrated. Some brands of feminism value the nurturant over the aggressive.
Venus and Mars Are Alright Tonight (yes, I’m willing to admit to listening to and enjoying the Wings’ album – I was young)
John Gray wrote a book that became remarkably popular: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.
It well and truly recycled the old (western) stereotypes. And it sold a truckload! (Actually lots and lots of truckloads).
Partly I think because it alleviated anxieties. People who had felt threatened when the stereotypes were questioned felt they could relax.
Partly I think because it fitted people’s experience. If you think about the conflicts you know of between heterosexual couples I think you will find that they often fit the stereotypical portraits –
- men not talking about their feelings,
- women wanting more emotional (verbal) contact.
- Men withdrawing to recover,
- women wanting connection to recover.
Our experience can fit stereotypes – this is partly (but only partly I think) why they are popular.
My guess is that the impact of Mars and Venus was positive (I don’t remotely fit the portrait of maleness given in the book). My view is that change comes from acceptance. And I think that Mars and Venus lead to lots of people thinking that it was just fine for them to be the way they are. Which I think can be the first step to change.
I think it is possible to feel positive about the book because, despite it promoting the usual stereotypes, it did not denigrate the feminine and promote the masculine. I think this is very important.
Hormones and The “Real” Masculine and Feminine
I think hormones are real and do influence our feelings and behaviour.
- Adrenalin prepares us for action.
- Testosterone increases sexual desire.
- Oestrogen and progesterone increase feeling of receptivity and nurture.
These things are true for both males and females. And males and females have some of all these hormones.
And we learn how to express these things. The correspondence between hormones and behaviour isn’t direct – it is shaped through learning.
The diversity of the expression of nurture and aggression between cultures and between individuals shows how much we modify the influence of hormones on our behaviour.
- Testosterone doesn’t determine that males are better able to cook outdoor on a barbecue but not inside on a stove.
- Oestrogen and/or progesterone doesn’t determine that women can defend their children at home but not in a war.
And DNA doesn’t determine these kinds of things either! (The next time you hear an ‘evolutionary psychologist’ ascribe a behaviour to evolution ask them which chromosome pair codes for the behaviour described.)
Signs of Authenticity
Is there an authentically masculine and an authentically feminine? I don’t think we know. I don’t think we will know until people have their abilities nurtured even when they don’t fit the stereotypes.
I am not advocating bringing up children in some kind of ‘gender free’ way. I think children (and adults) learn through imitation and not giving them any models isn’t helpful. Instead I think it is better to help them understand the model and then decide what parts they want to keep and what parts they want to leave behind.
- My father had the wisdom to know that I didn’t have much mechanical aptitude, even though he is a fitter and turner.
- My mother never told me to not vote for my political party of choice – even though she didn’t vote for them.
We discover what is authentically ourselves through the environment we are in.
I do think that there are signs that the traditional (western) stereotypes were ludicrous caricatures.
- In Australia I think this has become clear post-AIDS. In Australia, post-AIDS, gay culture has become somewhat more mainstream. This has lead to a softening of the male stereotype – young men can now be comfortable in their bodies and dress colourfully.
- And from about the 70′s on in Australia it has become clear that women are just as capable of success at uni and in the workplace as men.
Bringing It Home
All of the above is my attempt to surface aspects of this discussion to hopefully get some distance from it. Reactions to this topic can be quick and intense – which usually doesn’t help.
I think that most of us have been affected by gender stereotypes, and it is good to be aware of this. Once we do become aware of (at least some of) the ways we have been affected, it becomes possible to be free-er in our relationships.
- Those brought up to think that the traditional masculine was the norm (like me); can learn that it is OK to feel our feelings – and even express them.
- Those brought up to think that traditional female was the norm; can learn that anger is OK – and that it is even OK to express it.
- Those brought up not to value the traditional masculine may discover that it is OK to like sport.
- Those brought up not to value the traditional feminine may discover that it is OK to bake a cake.
We have all been shaped by our social context and it is very likely that this has included gender stereotyping. If we can acknowledge this we can learn to better meet our partners. We can learn to understand our own needs and how we cope with them and how we set about meeting them.
If you are in a heterosexual romantic relationship and having conflict here are some things to check [homosexual relationships can have another layer of complexity – especially because of the need for gays in a gay-phobic culture to monitor themselves – but these things can still apply]:
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner likes to be told you love her, and what you admire and appreciate about her. Consider the possibility that daily is not too often.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner likes to be told that he has done something well.
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner feels close to you when you listen, not when you solve a problem.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner likes help doing stuff.
- Men: consider the possibility that your partner will not see you as weak if you express your feelings.
- Women: consider the possibility that your partner really doesn’t know what you are feeling.
- Men: consider the possibility that it is possible to stay connected and look after yourself.
- Women: consider the possibility that it is possible that the relationship is still in tact even if your partner withdraws.
- Men: Find a way to find out which men lots of women are attracted to – you might be surprised.
- Women: Find a way to find out which women lots of men are attracted to – you might be surprised.
These things are all to do with the traditional stereotypes. This is true. And I think that, embarrassingly often – for me anyway, we are affected by them. When we can own up to this and find ways for our needs to be met (even if they do fit a stereotype), we will be on the path to more fulfilling, joyous, and mutually fulfilling relationships.
Comments and experiences are very welcome. Have you needed to deal with the effects of the stereotypes in your relationships? I would like to hear from you in the comments.
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To find out how to live authentically you can download my manifesto.
It has exercises that will help you experience what authenticity means for you and so experience a more satisfying life.
If you would like me to write about some aspect of living an authentic life please don’t hesitate to get in touch. There is a box in the sidebar where you can leave this anonymously if you wish.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tags: authenticity, feminiinity, masculinity, stereotyping
